John Bullen

My name is John Bullen and I would like to share with you my testimony of how the Lord saved me from myself and this sin of pornography. I had grown up in a normal home with a Catholic upbringing and had begun to love the Lord at an early age. As I hit my teenage years however I had grown disillusioned with the church and with the Lord in general. Although I cannot remember the exact age I starting gratifying my flesh it was somewhere in this age bracket and it wasn’t long until I was completely ensnared to it. I would steal long glances and look lustfully at the girls in school and elsewhere and then remember those images for later so that I could fulfill my urges.

As I entered High School these urges now continued but further fueled by the beginnings of viewing pornographic magazines and movies with friends. Although those times were few and far between it was enough to take this sin to the next level. It wasn’t long after that I lost my virginity physically, although spiritually I had given it up years before. God started taking a backseat now in all that I did and was there only when I desperately needed Him for something.

Yet through all this sin God remained faithful and as I look back I can see His hand moving events into place in my life. I got married shortly after leaving school and entering the Air Force with my High School sweetheart. I thought this would be the end to these desires as I could have as much as I wanted now with my wife. I would later learn the hard work of keeping a marriage together would actually propel me to do it even more. Sin is sin and cannot be combated with things of this world is a lesson I would learn the hard way.

When the internet came on the scene it wasn’t long before my sin pit got decidedly deeper. I was too ashamed to go to an actual store to buy videos or magazines but here it was now in the privacy of my own home. Days turned to months and months turned to years as my depravity became more and more. My time was consumed with finding that perfect movie, picture, and sound as my computer files grew ever larger with my sinful collection. In utter depravity I even tried to drag my beautiful wife into my sin to "enhance" our marriage. I continued this way for years on end, presenting one face to the world and gorging myself in pornography while at home and alone. God was a distant person and I truly believed I was a good person for all the good deeds I had done and that I would be let into heaven for those deeds.

Finally around October of 2002 my interest in the Word of God was sparked after reading the Left Behind series of books. I started in the Gospels, which of course I remembered from my Catholic Church days, but nothing seemed to click so to speak. It wasn’t until I reached the book of Romans that my sin was brought face to face before me and what my "good deeds" were really worth without faith in my Lord and Savior. In February of 2003 the Lord brought me to my knees and I gave myself to Him alone. I trashed the hidden stash of magazines and videos and deleted my "collection" from my computer. The sin of pornography and self gratification seemed like a distant memory now. I confessed to my wife the utter depravity of my sin and went forward with my Lord and Savior. What I didn’t understand was that although I had started the journey in the right direction I had not burned the bridge that still led back to my sin.

About 6 months later the lure of this sin called again. It started slow at first, just do a search on this or that just to see what will come up, you don’t have to look at anything and lies like that. I started forays back across the bridge to my old life every couple of weeks. Just prior to this I had stopped reading the Word as much, and now that I was falling to sin I wasn’t telling anyone about it thinking I could handle it on my own. It was a recipe for disaster. Around this time I was finally led to our church home at a Calvary Chapel. I was being fed the Word of God, the true Gospel, and was ashamed of my actions and yet could not seem to break free. This continued on for several months until about December.

My forays back across the bridge kept getting longer and longer and I was becoming painfully aware that I was more concerned about that then what my Lord and Savior wanted. I was listening to the lies of the devil that grace would cover these sins when indeed what I was doing was trampling the grace of God underfoot. At this time while desperate and searching the internet I came across the Setting Captives Free website. In eagerness I signed up hoping that this would be it and vowed to be truthful and complete everything the course asked of me. The Lord had brought me to my Moses, someone that would lead me into the Promised Land by the strength of the Lord.

Although parts of the course were difficult, especially confessing to my wonderful wife of falling back into this sin, I found hope in the Lord. I found strength in His wings and relearned yet again what it is to walk in His strength and glory alone. I relearned what Christ had indeed done for me on the Cross at Calvary and that through Him I could be free indeed.

I found freedom through the Setting Captives Free site and the Way of Purity course but that wasn’t enough. As a servant of my Lord and Savior it was time to help others from the trap. After finishing the course I enrolled to the mentor course and have been mentoring students now for close to a year at this time. It just shows you that no matter how deep in sin you are if you are willing to follow the Lord you can be used by Him as I have been blessed to see other students walking in freedom thanks to His strength and grace.

If you are reading this and do not believe that you could ever be free of this trap I urge you to place your trust in Him and allow Him to help you be free indeed as well. You can be free indeed with His mercy and grace in your life. God bless.