Mike Cleveland’s Testimony
27 Then he comes to men and says, 'I sinned, and perverted what was right, but I did not get what I deserved. 28 He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.' Job 33:27-28 (NIV)
Prior to God "redeeming my soul from the pit," my life could be described in these four ways: secrecy (biblical term - "darkness"), unfulfilled longings (biblical term -"thirst"), isolation (biblical term - "separation"), and death.
1. Secrecy: I was involved in hiding and secrecy, error and deception. At the age of 22, during a layover at a hotel in the course of my job as a pilot, I noticed a box on top of the TV in my hotel room. I had no idea what it was, but I pushed some buttons and somehow found pornography. This soon led to a desire to view porn on every layover. Although I was a professing Christian, I began to develop a secret life in which I became captive to the thrill of viewing pornography and gratifying my flesh. I hid my secret life from my wife, from my friends, and from my Bible study group.
This secret life took me into my own little world where I would begin to escape reality, where I could find love and instant "sex," where I would never be bored or lonely, and where I would never be rejected. Oh, how exciting it was.
But this secret life of darkness also began to consume me, to crush me, and to overpower me. By that, I mean that over time I began to lose the ability to say "No" to viewing porn, and would often be overwhelmed with the desire to give in and gratify my flesh. A year or so after I became involved in viewing pornography on a regular basis, I began sex-chatting on the Internet, which led to committing adultery and also into other areas of sin. I won’t go into detail because the Bible states that it is a shame to even talk about what the disobedient do in secret (Eph. 5:12). However, I was clearly losing the battle to the enemy and losing my life to sexual perversions. David said in Psalm 143:3:
The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. Psalms 143:3
Along with living in darkness came the inevitable depression that accompanies it. I was like those gloomy prisoners described in Psalm 107:10:
Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom, prisoners suffering in iron chains, Psalms 107:10
Iron chains speak of the strength of the bondage; a prisoner in iron chains cannot just "decide to be free." So, my life at this time was enveloped in darkness, as my deeds were truly evil. Jesus said that men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil (John 3:19), and I was proof of this.
2. Unfulfilled longings: As I became increasingly ensnared in a lifestyle of impurity, I noticed that it took more and more, just to provide the same sense of satisfaction I had in the beginning. I began to get bored with traditional pornography, and found myself looking for harder-core, more deviant porn, or anything new and exciting. I wanted more and more and more. I was just as Paul described in Ephesians 4:19:
Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. Ephesians 4:19 (emphasis added)
I was like the woman at the well in John chapter 4, who had gone from one relationship to the next, having one husband after another. By the time Jesus met her, she had been through five husbands and was currently living with another man. Jesus said to her, "Whoever drinks this water, will thirst again" (John 4:13).
My life began to be characterized by unsatisfied longings, unfulfilled desires, and unmet yearnings of the heart. I was parched and dehydrated in my soul. The Rolling Stones expressed the sentiment of every man in bondage to pornography when they sang, "I can’t get no....satisfaction." This "thirsting" will eventually be the condition of every man who "drinks" of pornography and sexual impurity, because impurity is like saltwater; it only increases our thirst and leaves us with a continual desire for more.
I was truly a thirsty captive, as Isaiah describes in chapter 5 verse 13:
Therefore my people will go into captivity for lack of understanding; ...their masses will be parched with thirst. Isaiah 5:13 (emphasis added)
Captivity to sin and spiritual thirst go hand-in-hand.
3. Isolation: The deeper I became involved in sin, the more I became isolated from normal society and healthy friendships. On layovers, I would hide in my hotel room for the entire time, not going outside at all. I turned off my cell phone, ordered room service, and did not answer the hotel phone. During that time, I would gorge myself on as much pornography, Internet sex-chatting, and food as I could order. I began putting on weight and became approximately 50 pounds overweight. I also began drinking during this time in my life.
They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Ephesians 4:18 (emphasis added)
18 They said to you, "In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires." 19 These are the men who separate themselves, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit. Jude 1:18-19 (emphasis added)
You see, involvement in habitual sin leads to separation; first there is a separation between us and the Lord and we are separated from the life of God. This is followed by a separation between ourselves and others, because we can only have fellowship one with another if we are not hiding in sin:
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 1 John 1:7
Sin leads to isolation, separation, and seclusion. I remember withdrawing from my family, going into my little office in our home and spending entire evenings, even until five or six o’clock in the morning, sex-chatting on the Internet, viewing pornography, scouring adult personal ads, and talking on the phone with females. I would also get drunk during these all-night marathons of sin. I separated myself from my family, isolated myself from any real friendships, and withdrew into my own little fantasy world.
4. Death: Sin leads to death.
14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:14-15 (NIV)
The devil presents pornography to us as that which is glorious - with glossy images, beautiful people, and instant gratification. He presents alcohol as exciting, helpful, and able to drown out our problems. In essence he says, "There is life here!"
But the truth is that sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death. Do you know what full-grown sin looked like in my life, after years of bondage? I was a professing Christian, but I had no relationship with God whatsoever. For the first few years, after each episode of sin, I would read my Bible and become very emotional over what I perceived as the love of God for me. I would cry (not repent), but cry. But, as the years wore on, and the iron chains became tighter, I simply could not bring myself to get into God’s Word. I lost interest in church, and I eventually stopped attending. My relationship with God was dead.
My relationship with my wife was soon to follow; she filed for divorce and moved to the other side of the country, taking our two children with her. I still remember the first two weeks after her departure in January of 1996. I slept on the cold hardwood floor, without a bed, in our rental house. I had to take a leave of absence from Continental, which then led to the depletion of my savings account. I had no relationship with God, no real friendships, no marriage, no money, no children, and not even a bed. Oh yeah, that’s the "life" that sin delivers. It felt a whole lot more like death to me! Yes, "sin had reigned unto death" (Romans 5:21).
20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! Romans 6:20-21 (NIV)
Slavery to sin results in death; sometimes it’s the death of a marriage, other times it is the death of a ministry, and, at times, it is may even be physical death.
Now, let me share with you what happened to me, beginning in January of 1999.
He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Psalms 107:14
1. Light: Several years after my divorce, I remarried. However, my bondage to sin did not change one bit. I continued viewing pornography, sex-chatting on the Internet, developing other sinful relationships, and also continued in my bondage to alcohol and food. After just one year of marriage, my wife, Jody, had enough of the deception and hiding, the lies and critical spirit, and the secret life that had by now completely taken over. She began to look for help, and we found ourselves in the office of a pastor, who began to counsel me from the Bible.
This pastor shared the gospel with me over a period of several months. He stated that God had made provision for even a deep sinner like me to find forgiveness through the blood of Jesus Christ. I still remember reading Acts 13:39:
Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses. Acts 13:39 (NIV)
I had come to believe that I had gone too far, gotten in too deep, and stayed away too long. I was an adulterer; I was divorced and remarried, and I was deeply enslaved to sin. I did not think there was any hope for me. And yet, I now saw from Scripture that
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace Ephesians 1:7 (NIV)
In January of 1999, I saw that the cross offered forgiveness for the guilty, and I found hope that even I might be forgiven and, not only forgiven, but given a new life in Jesus Christ. I saw that my slate could be wiped clean, that my guilt could be removed, that my sins could be covered, and I could be made new - if only I would repent. God graciously granted repentance to me; I turned away from my sins in great sorrow, and have not been back since (I’ve been free for 9 years). I continue to enjoy freedom in Christ, and I have the hope that God will keep me from falling, at least in these areas, for the rest of my life.
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. Isaiah 9:2 (NIV)
When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave our transgressions. Psalms 65:3 (NIV)
This is what my life is like now: I am no longer hiding; there is no secrecy in my life whatsoever, nothing hiding on my computer, and no secret life on layovers in hotels. There is nothing between my God and me, and nothing between my wife and me. I love living in transparency, living in the light. I no longer need to look over my shoulder, wondering who will find some trace of my sin; I’m no longer paranoid of getting caught. I’m in the light, and I love it.
Isaiah was to say to the captives, 'Come out,' and to those in darkness, 'Be free!'... Isaiah 49:9
2. Satisfaction: Another difference in my life now is that my heart is content in Jesus Christ. I am very happy and joyful in Him. I love Jesus very much. "He who has been forgiven much, loves much." I’m no longer thirsting, yearning, craving, or longing for more and more. No, I’ve found Him, for Whom my heart was looking all along. Jesus said to the woman at the well, "Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst." In other words, there is heart-satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment available. I have discovered that Jesus is my Thirst-Quencher, and I am no longer thirsty.
"The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them. Isaiah 41:17 (NIV)
Now, when on a layover, I drink from Jesus in His Word, through worship in song, through prayer, and through fellowship with others. There is a deep, abiding sense of satisfaction in Jesus and I’m literally thrilled with Him. Although I stumble and fall in many ways (James 3:2), I’m learning more and more how to be an exclusive drinker of the Lord Jesus:
As they make music they will sing, "All my fountains are in you." Psalms 87:7
Repentance has also enabled me to find true satisfaction in my wife, Jody, as well. Previously when I walked through an airport terminal or mall, my eyes would wander all over, and I would lust all the time. Now, I no longer have "eyes full of adultery" (2 Peter 2:14) but, instead, rejoice in the love of my wife.
Contentment and satisfaction are the opposite of thirsting and longing, and they come to all who repent of their sin and seek the Lord.
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35
3. Intimacy and fellowship: The great joy of ridding ourselves of life-dominating sin is that we may enjoy real depth of connection, true fellowship, and intimacy. Sin is that which isolates and separates but, with repentance, comes union and communion, intimacy and fellowship.
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39
Through God-given repentance, burning all bridges to the past life of sin (which Jesus called "radical amputation" in Matthew 5:29-30) and in seeking the Lord, fellowship with God is restored. And, fellowship is restored with others, too. In our ministry, Setting Captives Free, I so enjoy seeing husbands and wives reunite and begin to experience the love of God together; we watch brothers, who were at odds with each other, now, in repentance, humble themselves and reconnect with each other, and it is so enjoyable to see fathers again become fathers to their children.
4. Life:
There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12
Pornography promises life, but leads to death. Some people may reject this and say, "Hey, I’ve been viewing pornography off and on for years, but I’m still married and haven’t had a single bad thing happen to me." Maybe so, but every time they choose porn, they turn from God to indulge their flesh, and just as a tree being eaten by termites on the inside will eventually topple, their lives will eventually evidence the internal weakness as a result of years of impurity.
Some people believe the devil’s lie that, "I just married the wrong person, and life is talking with that woman at work who cares so much about me." There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death (Prov. 14:12).
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. John 14:6
My wife, Jody, and I enjoy each other immensely, and we enjoy each of our six children immeasurably. We have a wonderful church. We have a ministry which thrills our hearts. While I am sad about my past life of sin, and I continue to experience some consequences from it, God has replaced the ashes of my past with the beauty of the gospel.
and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3
God is able to bring beauty out of any ashes. Our lives are living proof of it. I am not an ongoing "addict" but, rather, I am free indeed in Jesus Christ. My past is nailed to a tree and buried in a tomb.
Sin is always associated with darkness. On the cross, Jesus endured three hours of darkness as He took our sins upon Himself. He said, "I thirst." No doubt He was physically exhausted from the beatings and the crucifixion, and was physically very thirsty. In addition, He identified with sinners, took their place and, although He was sinless, experienced the "thirst" that is connected with sin. Then He called out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46) He was forsaken, that we might be accepted. He experienced separation from His Father, that we might be united with Him forever. And, finally, He died to save us from our sins.
On the cross, Jesus experienced darkness, thirst, separation and death. He is the solution to our sin problem, and is able to make us free, indeed, by His grace. When He does, we will testify of His amazing grace, His wonderful power to redeem us and of His deep, deep love, which enables us to enjoy life.
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace (Mark Schultz)
27 Then he comes to men and says, "I sinned, and perverted what was right, but I did not get what I deserved. 28 He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light." Job 33:27-28
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