Breath of Life Testimony: Fred

I was maybe 10 years old when I had my first cigarette. My father smoked and I stole one of his. Not only did I know then that smoking was wrong, but I also knew that stealing was equally wrong. So, I was willfully partaking in something that had no real value, but I felt compelled to do. I didn't start smoking heavily until maybe age 14, but by then I had already given in to the drug and the mindset that I was going to do what I wanted to do, no matter what the consequences were. You see, I wanted control and, in hindsight, it truly seems stupid that in trying to take control, I was really giving up control to Satan. I was only fooling myself in my belief that I was in control. I liked my sin and would even argue against those who pointed out how wrong my behavior was. Early on, I had been a promising track and swimming athlete. While my performances were superior, they lacked that extra that marks the great athlete. By my senior year, I was smoking two packs a day and sometimes even more. I had come to accept the fact that this was just me and that you had to take the smoking if you took me. The woman I married seemed to accept this, as well......until we were wed. Soon after our marriage she asked me to stop. For the first time, I did try. I so much wanted to please her and avoid conflict. Each time I failed and when I failed I would lie to her and say that I hadn't been smoking. This continued on and off for years. I would quit for months or even years, but would eventually come back to my same behavior. Needless to say, this became e quite an issue between my wife and me. I had always felt that I was a failure and my wife came to think of me as a liar. I was in a continual state of denial, that I was doing this to calm myself, to help with concentration at work.......excuse after excuse....My wife once again came to realize that I had been smoking and it once more came between us. I had chosen my sin over my wife and family. As one who comes from a family with extensive heart disease, I was stealing my family's future from them. I was being selfish and deceitful and all the while swearing that I was the loving husband and father. In an effort to quit, I turned to the Internet and found Setting the Captives Free, which immediately spoke to me. You see, contrary to my behavior, I have been a Christian since childhood, I had even been an elder in the church, but my smoking was the one thing I held on to to try and control my life. Perhaps I had not admitted it, but I didn't really want God in charge of everything in my life. Because of this, my life had turned into a mess and my marriage was teetering on the brink. I needed to be brought back into God's care and control. Like a good parent, he only wants what is good for me. With God's help, I have been smoke free since starting the study. I cannot say that I have not been tempted; it has been hard for me, but I have to say that the temptation has not been as much from the cigarettes as from my desire to do what I want to do. The cigarettes are not the enemy, but the sin of pride. This study, while not bringing me anything new, since I have read all of these verses before and even covered them in study groups, arrived at a time when I was finally ready to listen and obey. I needed to open my heart and mind to God's word. I urge others to participate in this study. It is truly appropriate for all sinful habits. The only way it will work though is to surrender your will to God's, and for this I needed prayer. I not only prayed for this but had others pray as well, not only for the strength, but also for the will, which comes not from me, but from God. Nothing good can come from me that does not come from the Spirit. I can rejoice in the fact that God has opened my eyes and allowed me to see my sin. I praise him for calling me back and pointing me in the direction of these people who have aided me. I will pray for all those who seek God and his will.