Door of Hope Testimony:

For most of my teen and adult life, I have struggled with an X-rated thought life and self-gratification. The disgust and loathing I felt for myself was deep and heavy. For many years, I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about it and the enemy had me right where he wanted me: alone and isolated in my sin. In high school and college, I almost always had a boyfriend and often went too far physically. Somehow I managed to make it to college still a virgin. I lost my virginity during my freshman year and found myself pregnant by the end of the first semester. I chose to have an abortion and found myself more hungry for God than ever. The guilt and shame of what I'd done was unbearable. In 1986, Jesus became real to me. I was overwhelmed with His love and forgiveness and dove in head first into campus ministry and church and bible study. I stopped drinking, having sex, smoking, etc.... On the outside, I looked really different. On the inside, I didn't know what to do with the X-rated thought life and pattern of self-gratification that didn't seem to "go away" with getting saved. I often wondered if I was really saved.

After graduation from college, I got my first teaching job and moved in with a roommate a friend introduced me to. I was blindsided by sexual feelings for her and found myself in my first and only homosexual relationship that lasted for 4 months. I knew I had to get out of the relationship. I knew it didn't please God. Somehow, I found the courage to confess to a Godly friend and she helped me with some of the practical aspects of moving out and cutting ties with my roommate. There just aren't words to describe how painful that was. I moved back to my college town and began a season of counseling and healing and restoring my relationship with God. During that time, I met my husband and we married two years later.

Over the past sixteen years, our marriage has had its ups and downs. I have had seasons of victory over my sinful behavior, but when the stresses of life would crowd in on me or I would feel especially disconnected from my husband, I allowed my mind and heart to return to thoughts of the homosexual relationship I was in. I went through several more rounds of counseling over the years to overcome my sin pattern and improve my marriage and heal from past abuse.

About two years ago, I attended a week-long retreat with Dr. Larry Crabb and began to really get a grasp for the holiness of God and what that meant in my life. I began to develop an intimacy with Him that was an unexpected surprise. I was placed with a roommate on that retreat who became a treasured friend. Priscilla was the first woman I've allowed myself to be close to and be vulnerable with. As our friendship unfolded, I was delighted and amazed that I could have a close, Godly friend without feeling sexually attracted to her. I thought, "I'm healed!" And then had my longest season of victory ever. I no longer felt "the pull" of homosexuality or self-gratification. I know I gradually let my guard down and felt I was "out of the woods".

About six months ago, I participated in a retreat for post-abortive women and made a new friend on the retreat. We met for coffee a couple of times after the retreat and, as we got to know each other, I became aware of really looking forward to our visits and being sexually attracted to her. I felt disillusioned. The thoughts of being "healed" faded away quickly. I didn't let months and months go by...instead I confessed my feelings to my friend, Priscilla. She held me accountable and helped me find the courage to end the friendship. I started another round of counseling and was referred to the SCF Bible study. I was actually familiar with the study as my husband participated in it a year ago. His pornography issue was very painful for me and I never imagined that I would need to do the study for myself one day. I was hard on him for his issue without really acknowledging my own sin.

Setting Captives Free has helped to refocus my heart and mind. The study has gotten me into a nearly daily habit of digging into God's Word. I have felt more engaged with God's Word and I know He has used it to rearrange my heart. Sharing my answers with my husband has opened up conversations we never would have had. I think I've been free from self-gratification and homosexual thoughts since about day 28 or something like that. Some of the key concepts that were life-changing were: the idea of glorifying God as my primary motivation for overcoming sin, taking responsibility for and repenting of my sin, amputating sin from my life at all costs, walking in brokenness and humility before Him, and hiding His word in my heart.

Sixty days later, my marriage is richer. My mind is cleaner. I am more in love with Jesus than I've ever been. And I'm dependent on Him for every breath. That's where I want to stay. That's where I want to live: in complete, daily dependence on Him.