Door of Hope Testimony: Kenneth

I finished day 59 of my course 60 days ago but could not complete the last lesson on day sixty. Although God has given me amazing victory and insight into my sin I was fearful to close the door to this course until I had completed another 60 days of walking with God and practicing all that I had learned. Now I am so happy to return to complete day 60 knowing that the power of God and the teachings of Jesus have recued me from the empty path of homosexual sin.

Although I think I knew I was attracted to both men and women early in my high school years it wasn't until college that I had my first encounter with a man in a campus restroom. God can turn bad for good and used this low point in my life to make me search for him and later that same year I found a church and became a Christian. Satin can turn bad for worse and used this early experience to plant the seeds of interest that would later return and destroy my 16 year marriage and start a 3 year period after divorce of rampant homosexual sin.

While married I would get selfish and unsatisfied in my marriage and waste my passions looking at gay porn and afterwards gratify my self lusting about men. I never thought that lusting and fantasy would hurt anyone but the truth was it let my wife’s needs go unmet. Also while still married the lust would lead to a few homosexual meetings similar to what had first brought me to God. After 16 years of marriage, that included a year of marriage counseling, my wife ended the marriage and left the door open for satin and homosexual sin.

Newly single I felt a depth of loneliness, rejection, and failure that I had never felt before. Rather than filling those needs with Jesus I instead filled each of those pains with sexual sin. Attempting to fill the void of loneliness I started spending hours on the internet looking at pornography. Entire evenings would include 1000’s of images and movies always ending in self and empty gratification. After porn didn’t provide enough escape I found gay chat rooms and sites where I could post profiles and get responses from other men online. I was trying to fill the pain of rejection with the many responses to chats and profiles. The online interaction provided a thrill and help mask the pain of rejection that was so heavy on my heart. After months and 100’s of hours in chat rooms my need for more continued to increase and I began meeting people for sexual encounters. These meetings were part of my broken quest to be a success in the gay world and mask the feelings of failure of a broken marriage. Over a two year period the number of encounters became too many to count or remember and at its lowest point could include multiple encounters per night.

With my life getting worse and with no limits insight I finally reached out to a person in Church that I knew was having success in his battle with homosexual attractions. We starting meeting once a week after several great talks about the emptiness and ungodliness of the gay life we started the “setting captives free” program together. This course and bible teachings gave me the perspective to see that the answer to life was filling my needs with Jesus and his purpose rather than the endless and hopeless pursuit homosexual sin. Although my actions caused great harm to those I used and great harm to God I did not get the punishment I deserved. Rather God gave me the clarity to understand loneliness, rejection, and failure. Each of these feelings were well known by Jesus and caused him to draw close to God for satisfaction.

Now I have the conviction to live a pure righteous life and fill my needs with a relationship with Jesus and godly friends. Although satin is always tying to tempt me I have had freedom from internet sin and done great at ending my need for gay hook ups. Praise God for his grace and plan for my life. Praise God for the bible and the teachings on how to live life to the full. Praise God for freedom.