Door of Hope Testimony: Morgan

I felt isolated most of my life. I never felt like my father had any interest in me and my mother tried her best to be a substitute for my father. She even tried to play catch with the football. I know that even though I missed the affections of my father, my homosexual desires were of my own sinful heart. I have since forgiven my father in my heart for what I perceived as hurtful neglect by him.
I accidentally found out about masturbation prior to puberty, not really knowing what it was, but knowing that it was a pleasurable sensation. I had never been talked to about sex by my parents as it was taboo to talk about anything that entailed feelings or awkward bodily functions. I was caught up in the euphoria of self gratification from that point on.
I came to Christ when I was ten years old. I grew up in a Christian family who took me to church every Sunday and Wednesday. I hated going to church. It was so boring. I would pay attention to the bible stories in my Sunday school classes but hated going to "Big Church". The Lord finally broke through to my stubborn heart after a stirring message of salvation and I asked Jesus to be my savior.
I didn’t really discover any homosexual attraction with other boys until I hit puberty where, by then, I learned about sex on the playground. It all started when a friend from church had spent the night and he thought I was sleeping and one thing led to another when we discovered self gratification together. After this happened I guess we were ashamed or embarrassed so we never really spoke much after that. It was awkward seeing him in church knowing what we did was wrong in our hearts and wondering if he would expose our dirty little secret. I guess somehow I thought there was a connection there when I confused physical gratification with love. I began fantasizing about the experience; even though I had guilt about it, and then began to move on to think about what it might be like to have the same experience with others while self gratifying. This became a habit that followed me into adulthood.
Over the years I dated women and felt closeness and attraction but the guilt of my secret would always lead me back to self condemnations, withdrawal and the habitual homosexual fantasy/ self gratification. I would go in cycles of being involved in church and feeling convicted and repenting. I now realize that even though I knew the path to salvation, I never really had a relationship with God. I was repenting for my own selfishness and not for the Glory of God. Because of that I was never victorious in being delivered from my sin.
I tried many times to overcome my habitual sinful actions and desires on my own. I tried to stop masturbating and always ended up giving in to the intense desire of the flesh. I was weak and could not stop. I was disgusted with myself.
I finally met a woman who was a friend at first and then I thought I fell in love with her. I thought this could be my deliverance from my homosexual fantasy and self gratification. I eventually asked this woman to marry me and she accepted. I had resisted the temptation to have sexual relations with her but then began to self dialogue, “is this true love?”, are you capable of being satisfied with a woman?”. I made all kinds of justifications and excuses but eventually gave in to having premarital sex on a regular basis with her. I thought that I finally felt like a “normal man” and was truly satisfied sexually. I didn’t need to self gratify or have homosexual fantasy. There was still emptiness and a conviction on my heart. Deep down I knew I had traded one sin for another. I just kept trying to justify it by saying “she will be my wife and the only woman I will ever have sex with”. I would soon find out that it was not to be. I thought things were going well but the relationship finally fell apart and I was devastated.
After the breakup I found myself longing for affection and started to fall back into my old habits and cycles of sin, conviction and remorse and could not stop the hurt. My emptiness grew stronger and stronger so I was no longer satisfied with just the fantasy my mind could come up with. I sought out new ways to fill the void and that is when I found pornography. I was addicted for years and could not break away. I would try to stop, but again, I was too weak and powerless on my own.
I fell deeper and deeper into isolation and depression. I wanted to end my life but the Lord had different plans for me. I prayed a last prayer of desperation and asked God to help me. Somehow I felt like giving God and church one more try. I was in a movie theater and noticed an on screen ad for a local church and though that it was a sign from God. I didn’t go right away but it was regularly on my mind. I finally got up the courage to go to this church and it felt right. The preacher said the things that matched what I was going through and gave me encouragement. I started to review the scriptures the preacher covered and prayed to God that he make me “normal” but I was still struggling with my habitual sin.
After a few months I still felt isolated and decided to get up the courage to attend singles group meeting. Everyone there welcomed me warmly and as the weeks passed, I learned that they too had struggled with broken marriages, relationships and heartache. All of a sudden I was not so alone.
I still wanted so desperately to be free from the sinful desires that plagued my mind, the porn and the self gratification. I made up my mind to stop the porn of my own accord and installed a filter on my computer. I was having success at becoming free from porn but was still trapped in habitual fantasy and self gratification. I was starting to get discouraged again and almost gave up, to walk away from God.
In an act of desperation, I searched the web for Christian programs that helped to “cure” homosexual desire. That is when I found the Setting Captives Free and Door of Hope program. I was really apprehensive about starting the program but told myself I had nothing to lose. As I started the program I knew that I had found the right place. The program was completely based upon God’s word and the Lord started working miracles in my life. He opened my eyes to his word so that I now understood the scriptures and He delivered me from my desire to look at pornography. He slowly began to show me that in my brokenness he could build me back up and give me freedom. He slowly changed my minds’ focus on filth and self gratification to a focus on Him. I was able to give up my desires in total surrender to find what he desired for me. With my newfound freedom I am led by the Holy Spirit, God’s word and have found a joy and satisfaction that I have never known in my entire life.
I have gone from being a babe in Christ who was plagued by habitual sin to a young man in Christ who is learning to be a complete man of God. I am no longer in isolation or despair. He has placed me in an awesome church home where my brothers and sisters in Christ lift each other up in support. Most of all God has given me true satisfaction in life, a satisfaction that cannot be paralleled by anything the world has to offer. He is in me and I am free!