Door of Hope Testimony: Michele

My mentor is Pat Gause.

My testimony may be a little different than most people's (although really everyone's testimony is a little different) because so much happened for me to walk free before I even got to Setting Captives Free.

And because I am not on a secure website and my internet is monitored, I have to be careful about some terms regarding where I am and what I do.

Ok, so let's get started:

I am a "worker" in a Muslim African country. I had been here for about six years when my team left. I felt like God was directing me to stay and believe He would bring another team for me here. I had people, other "workers," to walk with in the meantime. But I did not see those other workers on a daily basis and I was pretty isolated.

I became lonely. My needs for affection and affirmation, which had previously been met by my team were not being met.

And then I met a student at the university where I worked who became a friend. In the beginning we started hanging out because I was sharing the Great Story with her and she seemed interested. I knew she struggled with homosexuality, but I was not concerned that this would affect me.

This student began pursuing me, offering me attention, affirmation and affection. At a time when people rarely initiated with me for friendship (I think this is a danger of being in any kind of leadership position), she was really making an effort. I sinned when I began to look to her to meet my needs. And I started to feel attracted to her.

I remember the first instance of feeling attracted and told someone pretty quickly. But the attraction grew. I stepped into bondage when instead of quickly turning to Jesus when a tempting thought came to mind I would linger on the thought and let it grow into a fantasy. I opened the door for homosexuality even further when I began to willingly initiate fantasizing about her when she was not even around.

I was telling one or two very trusted people that I needed accountability and they were helping me to set boundaries with her. But I was breaking those boundaries constantly. I had yet to tell the actual "accountability group" that I met with on a regular basis here. I felt such shame about struggling with homosexuality and did not feel safe with them yet.

The turning point came one night during Ramadan (a time of significant spiritual darkness here). I was at her house with a group of students for the evening meal. Though we were not alone, there was a real blurring of physical boundaries. It was something that can look fairly normal in this area of the world, so I don't know that other students noticed anything. But I knew in my heart that if no students had been there and she had initiated any kind of homosexual activity my resistance was low and I probably would have caved.

That night scared me so badly. All I could think of as I drove away from her house was, "Like Joseph, I have to flee! I have to flee!" The next day was my accountability group meeting. I bit the bullet and shared with them. Over the next few weeks as I continued to struggle with giving into this temptation to actual physical homosexual behavior, I widened the circle of who knew, asking for help. My leadership stepped in and asked me to leave the country and go to a place where we have people who pray and counsel and help with restoration.

So I went and spent a month there. God did so much during that month in helping me see the level of bondage I was in, in showing where I was looking to others to meet my needs instead of him, and in pouring out His love on me. I began to see that as a single (especially in the line of work I am in), there will probably be times of loneliness when others around me are not affirming me and where I am not receiving physical affection from anyone. But He longs for me to pour out my heart to Him and receive from Him. Not only on a daily basis, but all throughout the day. And I began to understand that my value is not in what I do for Him but in being His child, His beloved. This was significant in my feeling like I could approach Him in vulnerability and complete honesty.

Such breakthrough happened in that month. I felt like I was rescued! And restored. But I had to return to the university and live it out with that student still around. Thus began the amputation process. The relationship had to be amputated. That was painstaking. And required me continuing to walk in lots of accountability.

A little over a year after I returned, I was still struggling at times with sinful thoughts about various women that I met and decided I wanted more freedom, complete freedom from homosexuality. As a team leader here I was aware of the resource of Setting Captives Free. I decided to check it out for myself.

Going through the Bible Studies, and especially working through the questions, has helped build up the foundation of freedom for me even more. Some things have brought even greater understanding of where pitfalls into sin might be for me and how to avoid them. A lot of it reaffirmed basic truths and added more depth to my understanding.

I am walking free from homosexuality. I have radically cut off access to anything that would promote homosexuality. And I am walking in a life-giving relationship with Jesus. He meets my needs. He is the Living Water. Worship has become such a key for me. It is becoming a time of mutual enjoyment--me enjoying Him and me knowing that He enjoys me as well and loves me so much.

I just read question 2 below. I am assuming you might need to edit my testimony b/c it is so long, if you were to post it. If you edit it, I would want to see the edited version before it is shared/posted.