Door of Hope Testimony: Dean

As a child I never learned to do typical boy things like playing sports. Our neighborhood was a little rough so my mom wouldn't let us play with the boys in the neighborhood. My father worked long hours and was going to school until he was forty so he wasn't around very much. I never felt I was like the other guys or that I fit in. Even as an adult I would describe myself as male and not a man. Satan often begins working on us early in life to shut us down before we become a threat to him.

In junior high I was introduced to a pornographic magazine that another student brought to school. There was something very stimulating in those photos and I wanted more. I had no access to anything like that again until I was in high school. It was then that I discovered that I enjoyed male pornography more than female.

I became a Christian my freshman year of college. That was amazing! I was with a group of people that loved me, a God who had forgiven me and now the sinful homosexual thinking would go away. It actually did for about a year, but then I started focusing more on myself and less on God and I found myself in an adult bookstore again. I pleaded with God to take the desire away. I tried hard to stop and nothing worked. This behavior was not acceptable for someone who is a believer so instead of asking for help, I hid it from everyone.

When I got married I thought now I will be satisfied and it will stop. It didn't. When we had kids I had to be a role model and for sure I can make it stop. I couldn't. I was a poser showing you whatever I thought you wanted to see while the reality was quite different. Years later I had withdrawn from most of my friends and the weight of this sin pushed me into a depression so dark I tried to kill myself. Fortunately God stepped in and stopped me from being successful. Help was all around me and I never could overcome my pride and ask for help. It almost killed me.

Over the last couple years we have made a lot of changes seeking to get our lives back on track. We changed to a much smaller church filled with people who love God and we have been blessed by the change. Still my desire for self-satisfaction through sexual sin was there and even grew stronger. I started acting out on the impulses. My heart became so hard that I decided that if God won't take the desire away, I might as well find some satisfaction through others.

Last fall in desperation I started searching for something online that might help with my addiction to habitual sexual sin. God led me to the Setting Captives Free sight and I'm very glad he did. Through the bible studies and help from my mentor, I have been able to confess my sin to God and repent. I told my pastor and he has been helping me be accountable. I was even able to confess my sin to my wife (the hardest thing I have ever done) who has since forgiven me and our relationship is getting better all the time. No more poser. No more lying. No more secret life. I am free to become the man God designed me to be.

For anyone struggling with habitual sin, seek help. There is nothing like the feeling of freedom from sin.