Door of Hope Testimony:

My lifetime struggle with sexual immorality and perversion began at a very young age. The little world of my childhood began to fall apart as I began to be sexually abused at the hand of my grandfather. The abuse continued until I was fifteen years old. In the midst of all this turmoil, Satan had devised an even more extensive plan to ruin my life and keep me in bondage for many years to come. Somewhere, around the age of eleven or twelve, I discovered pornographic materials that belonged to my parents. Because the door to perversion that had already been opened in my life, I became instantly "hooked" on the pornography. When I wasn't actually looking at the pornography, the images and pictures were still there - haunting me, enticing me, confusing me, and trapping me. During this same period of time, partially due to "normal" curiosity, but also fueled intensely by the abuse, I discovered self-gratification.

Sad to say, this, along with pornography, became a way of escape from the other horrible experiences that seemed to dominate my life. IT was something I could control, and even "enjoy." Little did I know that I was forming habits which would last for the next twenty-five years and leave me hopeless.

There was much confusion, questioning, and temptation in the area of my own sexuality. I liked what I saw in homosexual pornography, and it began consuming much of my thought life, even as a young person.

At the age of eighteen, I learned of the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ for the first time, and I asked Him into my life. But, my battles with these sexual sins still continued, as did the questioning and insecurity about my sexuality. But I served God the best I knew how at that point. I even felt God's call on my life and, at the age of twenty-one, went to Bible college, and began to prepare myself for whatever God had for my life. During this time period of my life, I wasn't actively looking at pornography, but there were enough images and scenes in my mind and my thoughts from previous years that it was enough to keep my mind and heart alive with sexual immorality and sin.

Four years later I graduated from Bible college, began teaching in a Christian school, and met the woman I would marry a year later. I remember part of my anticipation of marriage was the desperate hope that marriage would provide a "cure all," and that surely I wouldn't still struggle with all of this sexual immorality after being able to enjoy the pleasures of marriage. Wrong again. Over seven years into marriage, and three beautiful children later, I found myself deeper into sexual sin than ever.

A few years into my marriage, we purchased our first computer. Needless to say, with this sin so much a part of my life, it wasn't long before the opportunity presented itself online to view pornography, to indulge myself, and to become instantly "hooked" on sexual chatting and such.

I was living my "double" life, deep in the darkness of sin while attempting to live a Christian life on the outside. I was still a teacher in a Christian school, was on the worship team at my church, and was a youth worker, as well. I was doing all that I could to keep the lies hidden. But in time, I began feeling as if I were completely running out of hope for freedom in walking a victorious Christian life. I listened to the lies of the enemy, and began believing that I was "born" this way. I was meant to live a life of perversion, and I would always be this way.

My marriage was in shambles by this time. Far more time had been spent pursuing sin within my fantasy realm than pursuing a happy, loving, healthy marriage. I was right in the middle of the deepest, darkest night of my struggle with sexual sin. My whole life was completely consumed with this addiction. My every waking moment was spent trying to get my next "fix," working toward the next chat, the next phone call, the next fantasy. The very core of my conscience had been seared and hardened.

I had come to the point that I began to make plans to actually indulge in some of the fantasies in which I had been involved. After driving for hours to meet with a man I had met online, I began making plans to meet him again, but this time there would be a woman, involved as well. The morning I was getting ready to leave for this rendezvous, I was brought face to face with a decision point in my life, which I knew had to be from God. I knew that if I continued to follow through with these plans, I would be going "beyond the point of no return" in my life. That fact scared me to death! That morning, God gave me the grace to make the right decision, and to not go through with these plans. It sounds simple enough in writing, but it was one of the most difficult things of my life.

Yes, I had made this decision, but where did I go from there? I knew that there had to be some drastic changes in my life. The next day, I repented before God, and asked His forgiveness. I let my spouse and my pastors know that I had made this decision, and that I was going to be completely accountable to them, as I really needed and wanted their help in my life.

It wasn't long before God led me to the Setting Captives Free website from a link on another site. I knew it was an answer to prayer, as I was still struggling, day to day, sometimes hour to hour. As I learned more and more, concerning the Biblical principles of freedom and purity, God's grace continued to carry me through each day. I had repented, I had confessed all of my sins, and I had cut off all access to sin that I knew of, and I was continuing to remain accountable to others over me. The most important thing, though, was the transforming power of the Word of God in my life! As I daily applied to my life the truths of God's Word and spent daily time with God, in prayer and in the Bible, my mind began to be transformed in absolutely amazing ways! The truth of God's Word continually transformed the lies of the enemy that I had believed most of my life. This is what brought such radical change into my life, and this is still what gives me what I need to walk in freedom and purity, every day of my life.

Was this an easy road to travel? No - definitely not. But, it was definitely worth it all. The peace and joy that I now have in my heart and my mind are indescribable! I continue to be thankful for God's grace on a daily basis. And I'm thankful today that I can truly say with Joseph, "What Satan meant for my harm and my destruction, God has turned around and meant for my good, and for His glory!"