A United Front Testimony: Jan

How do I go back there? There was so much pain, anger, confusion, condemnation and withdrawal . I felt hopeless, scared and knew in my heart that my marriage was over. Then my husband found this website, Setting Captives Free, and began the course, encouraging me to do the same. That was the best decision both of us have ever made (besides marrying each other!). Each day, I began to look forward to the next day's lesson and I started to feel, once again, that hope in the future was possible. The Excellent Wife book, along with the lessons, showed me how badly I had been sinning, all the while condemning my husband for his sins! I had taken my eyes off the Lord and had become completely "Jan" centered. It wasn't easy; my husband and I struggled from day to day, but just being able to come to this site and write out my feelings and my struggles, reading the Bible studies and what the mentors added, began to give me hope and the realization that there is a power bigger than any of our problems that holds the key to our well being. That peace, love, joy and acceptance could be mine through the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. And, as I read the book I learned day by day what God expects of me as a wife and have to admit, I was blown away by how little of that, if any, I had been doing! In my eyes, I was a good wife and a good Christian. How could someone hurt me like my husband had done and why did he deserve me or my love, and how could I ever trust him again, were the questions that kept swirling around in my head. I thought I was going to lose my mind, all the while searching everything I could pull up on the Internet or read that could help me explain why he was doing the things he was doing. Wasn't I enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, how could this have happened to us? All the while not realizing that God had a plan and that plan was bigger than myself, my husband, or any problem either of us could ever have. I learned that through His blood, I have been forgiven for any sin I have committed and that by His forgiveness of me, I also must forgive my husband. And, by not doing so, I have sinned against Him which is as bad as the sin my husband has committed. WOW! Why is it we can see so clearly the sin of others when God is asking us to work at getting the "beam out of your eye?" Well, I am working at doing just that now and, although I have come a long way since beginning this course, I still have a long ways to go. But, I now have the peace and hope of knowing that through Him I can overcome anything. I work daily at giving blessings to my husband and accepting his strengths right along with his failures, along with being submissive as Christ has asked of me. It isn't always without difficulty, but I am stronger than I was when I began and I know it will become easier as I practice it more. Our marriage is better than it has ever been and this is coming from a "self-centered" woman who looked into her husband's eyes just a few short weeks ago and told him she could never forgive him and that their marriage was over. Thank you, God, for not giving up on me, for forgiving me for my sinfulness, for lending me your strength and direction and for this course for showing me a better way, giving me hope, and opening my eyes to the love, peace and joy that we all have through Jesus Christ!