Way of Purity Testimony: Gordon Heickman

I had been exposed to pornography in my teens. My father thought nothing about it and even said "Some guys like this stuff. Just don't let your mother catch you with it." He also told me it was all right to practice self-gratification "Just to let your frustrations out," so I did. I bought a few magazines here and there and saw a few movies, but after a while grew tired of this. After all, it cost a great deal of money to really get into this stuff in the 70s.

I went through one marriage not knowing the Lord and not knowing how to love a woman, due to these twisted ideas. I married my present wife in 1990 and became a Christian in 1995. We had our three boys in two years time. Everything was going well, and pornography seemed to be out of my mind.

Then one day my wife brought in a magazine called "Dimensions," which features large women. My wife is a large woman and very attractive to me. The women in this magazine were in various states of dress and undress and attractively photographed. During this time I began steadily moving up the ladder in church, serving on committees and teaching Sunday school. I thought I was living a righteous Christian life. Then everything exploded.

In December, 1999, we bought a new computer with unlimited Internet. One of the first things I did when I set it up was to go surfing for pornography sites featuring large women. My wife even encouraged me, at times, "to spice up our love life." I suddenly found myself surfing for hours on end for this material. After all, one could look at this stuff for free. I discovered that I had unlimited, unmonitored access at work, as well. I was wasting many hours of the day and neglecting my work, family and Sunday School teaching. My lessons suffered. I was exhausted from the nights I spent surfing and was also afraid of being caught, and confronted by any church people.

Then one day when I was on "Crosswalk" seeking relief, I found a link to Setting Captives Free. The first thing I was confronted with was the Ted Bundy Story. Seeing a picture of his body literally scared the hell out of me. I knew that my problem was serious and would result in losing my wife, boys, job, and eventually end up in death. I would then probably hear the Lord's words "Away from me you worker of iniquity, I never knew you." That was about six months ago.

I fell twice during the early days of the course but, since then, the Lord has clothed me in His armor and built defenses in my life that have set me free. I use the sword of the Spirit each day to ward off attacks. The site has helped me greatly. In fact, I plan to use the "Never Thirst" emails to keep me straight. Please feel free to use my testimony if you wish. I hope it would help someone else. In fact, I suspect that there are many men in our churches who have this problem, but are too ashamed and prideful to admit it!!

Thanks for this ministry. It is truly a lifesaver.

Gordon