My mentor is Pauline D! (What a blessing!)

I could not imagine why anyone would ever think there was any other life for me. I was born gay and you can't change the way you are made. That thinking dominated my life until I was 34 years old, but "there truly is life after homosexuality."

I rejected my female identity from the very earliest days of my life. My thoughts were consumed with wanting to be a boy. I was molested around the age of 3 or 4; became sexually involved with another girl in my teens; was married at 18 thinking that would fix what was wrong with me and divorced at 22 because I couldn't handle living a way that was opposed to the real me.

From then until age 34 I immersed myself in the lesbian lifestyle, believing I had finally accepted my true identity. At various stages in my life I looked for God, but could never find anything that provided true fulfillment. My family attended a conservative, Bible oriented, church when I was in grade school and then we changed to a liberal denomination during my teen years. I went to the pastor once and told him I was so disillusioned about church and wanted to know God. I had such a longing for Him inside me. His reply was "I am disillusioned, too, and trying to find if he really exists."

I tried a number of different religions and "self-help" groups and attended the "gay" MCC church for a time. Nothing could fill the void I had inside. Every relationship and pursuit left something unfulfilled and kept me searching for more. I had been running from and searching for God for a long time when I fell to my knees one night in late October, 1979, and asked Jesus Christ to come into my life. That night my heart was changed, my eyes were opened, and suddenly I knew I was not "born gay."

It has not been an easy road. There have been a number of areas that I have had to wrestle through with God. I had to learn that being "set free" and being "tempted" are two different aspects of this new life. I have found freedom through the life of Jesus Christ in me; but I have also experienced temptations, trials and hardships which God has used to test and deepen my faith in Him.

I believe a number of things prepared the way for me to turn to Him. Ten years earlier I had knelt at an altar and agonized for him to accept me, but I didn't commit my life to Him. For a time I lived a somewhat changed life but being unwilling to turn from the lesbian lifestyle caused me to not build on the intimacy God desired with me and the changes soon ended and I was consumed more than ever in my sin.

At another point a friend I worked with challenged my understanding of "believing," since I claimed to be a Christian and believed that Jesus had died on the cross for my sins and rose again from the dead. He said if I truly believed then I would trust in, cling to, and rely on Christ for my life, it wouldn't just be a mental belief. I thought he was an extremist, but his words nagged at me for over 3 years until the day I committed my life to the Lord. I also had a praying mother who continually prayed for me and believed God could save me and change me, and she rallied other prayer warriors who interceded for my salvation.

God has provided all we need to live the Christian life, but we are required to seek Him and to receive Jesus Christ into our life to open the way. We must count the cost and surrender to God's will for our life. There is a price involved, but it is not too great a price to find Eternal Life. I would not trade my life today for any of the "old life." I am truly one who Paul spoke of in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 .. Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

I gladly proclaim that a life committed to Jesus Christ can change. I could not have done it, but He has done what seemed impossible. I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and He has set me free from many things. The deep void inside is gone and as long as I abide in Him, His peace and joy fill my life to overflowing. The so-called happiness I had in my former life cannot begin to compare to what I have now, but I had to become willing to make Him Savior and Lord, to forsake all and follow Him. I have been transformed by the power of Christ in me. He is my life and I live for Him today. No one has ever filled my needs or loved me the way He does! What a mighty God I serve!

In the book of Genesis is the story of Joseph who was given a robe that set him apart from his brothers. But that coat of many colors cost him a great deal. It cost him every close relationship he had. He was rejected, misunderstood, persecuted and mocked. GENESIS 37:4 says that all of his brothers hated him; but, many years later during a time of great famine it was Joseph who provided the way for his brothers lives to be spared. My life today is in the Lord's hands and I am committed to being available to the Lord so that He can use me to show the way and the provision that can be found only in Christ.. There is none to compare to Him .. He is truly my Savior and my Lord .. I live for Him today!

In August '92 I was blessed to begin going through the Door of Hope study with the Setting Captives Free ministry and it has added powerfully to my walk and my life .. Blessed be the Name of the Lord God Almighty .. HE REIGNS! and He alone is worthy of our praise! May our lives glorify Him and be used mightily to add to the Kingdom of God!

AND SUCH WERE SOME OF YOU! .. BY THE GRACE OF GOD

Karen Abbott