A Pastor's Story

"I was 11 years old when I saw my first pornographic magazine. The image of a woman smiling invitingly at me has been burned in my brain ever since. Hormones danced inside my body and the chemistry of my brain was electrified. It was as if someone had injected heroin in my veins. That "high" wore off eventually and I found myself craving more. I began pursuing the next high and then the next high from pornography--a drive that lasted for the next 25 years.

I was a lonely young boy when it started. Pornography led me through a journey that involved masturbation, prostitution, and affairs. By the time it stopped I was a man. On the outside I was a successful minister and counselor, an elected official in my city, and a teacher at the local college. I was working myself to death thinking that I could balance out the evil in my life with good works.

I neglected my family in the hours I spent thinking about and pursuing sex. I hurt many people. I spent money my family really didn't have. I exposed myself to the threat of sexually transmitted diseases and even arrest by soliciting prostitutes. The stress of the double life I led took a toll on my physical health. I suffered from migraine headaches and chronic diarrhea. As a diabetic, my blood sugar ran out of control. Emotionally, I was a basket case as well. Anger and anxiety were my constant companions.

Even as a man I was still the lonely little boy looking for love and nurture. Sex was equal to love in my mind. I thought that marriage would be the answer. In my delusion I believed that a readily available sexual partner should solve everything. When that didn't work, I blamed my wife and kept looking for the solution in sex. The next picture, video, or encounter brought me temporary relief from my pain. So, I was lost in an endless cycle of fantasy, sexual activity, and despair.

Even though I was a minister, I hadn't really surrendered the control of my life to God. One day a friend of mine who was a recovering alcoholic confronted me and told me that my life had become as out of control with sex as his had with alcohol. He told me that I was fooling myself if I thought I could someday quit. I told him it wasn't that bad. He told me I was trying to fool him and myself. I thought that if my wife, family, and friends found out they would all leave me. I was scared, deluded, and too proud. When I saw the peace in his eyes, however, and felt that he was telling me the truth, I asked him for help. That started a journey of healing 12 years ago that has led to ongoing freedom from lust, the restoration of my marriage and my health, as well as a new career.

If you're reading this, maybe you went online today looking for a solution to your problems in chat rooms or on pornographic Web sites. I work with men and women who spend their entire waking day on the computer. Like me, they were looking for love, nurture, relationship, excitement, and fulfillment in sex. One of my friends spent $85,000 on the Internet before he got help. A woman I know had three affairs with men that she met in a chat room. None of those pursuits solved anything for them.

Are you frustrated? Do you know the temporary relief of the sexual high? Do you feel compulsively drawn to the next hit? Maybe you don't consider yourself to be that bad. Maybe you find porn surfing to be a harmless form of stress management. I would invite you to ask yourself how lonely and frustrated you really are."

You can help other pastors find freedom by supporting Setting Captives Free. There are numerous pastors going through this course right now, and many others need to.