Email
Print
USA
Spain
France
Russia
Germany
The Netherlands
Israel
Canada
UK
PolandLetters from Spouses
This section contains letters written by Jody Cleveland, wife of Setting Captives Free founder and president Mike Cleveland, to spouses who have come to Setting Captives Free seeking assistance. All the names have been changed. We realize that every situation is unique, but we offer these letters as a resource to assist spouses in learning the biblical method of dealing with these issues.
3. Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right
8. Religious Spouse In Pornography
14. Biblical Advice To a Spouse
15. Forgiveness, by Pastor Kyle White
Dear Donna,
Welcome to A United Front! I am glad that you have come to our site and that you are desiring to help your husband break free from the trap of sexual impurity.
How do you think your husband would respond if you told him about The Way of Purity Course. The course is 60 days in length and daily--it would provide your husband with daily accountability with godly men who understand his sin struggle. Also, he would be daily confronted with the Truth of God's Word and be given practical application for his life. And it is completely FREE of charge. I really think it could be a help to him. The address is: http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com
Donna, my husband Mike was enslaved to porn for 15 years! He denied he had a problem with porn much of this time. He was a professing Christian for about 8 of those years and he tried a lot of different things to overcome his sexual impurity on his own; but he couldn't do it. This life dominating sin is very strong and powerful! But to God's praise, Mike has been free from all forms of sexual impurity (porn movies, Internet sites, on-line romantic chatting, cyber sex, etc) for over two years now! It is a miracle to be sure.
It was out of gratitude to God for His love and mercy in our lives that the Setting Captives Free site was born. Mike is very burdened for the many men who are just like he was....trapped without the knowledge or understanding of how to become forever free from the enslaving power of porn. Mike is one of the men that your husband would communicate with in The Way of Purity Course.
I would like to offer you a free book called "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. In the book, Martha outlines God's Provisions for Wives who have husband's who are sinning against them. This book was/still is very helpful to me. If you are interested then let me know, and I'll try to mail it out this week.
Finally, you are right, the cord of three strands is to be you, your husband and God......a cord of three strands is not easily broken. If we are united in Christ then the Evil One will not be able to break us apart. We are praying for you to this end.
grace and love,
Jody
Dear Jen,
Thank you for answering my questions. My heart goes out to you as you work through this as I remember how hard it was for me at first. Sin is always heart breaking no matter whose it is......mine, yours, etc. I am praying for you.
I think that you have hit on something in your answer to the question about what comes to mind when you think of sex. And what I want you to consider is that your answer is a mixture of truth and falsehood. For example: Truth: You were created for Len's pleasure (and He for yours). False: you are not JUST for that purpose. Sexual abuse teaches us that we are only objects to be used; this is a lie of the Evil One. We must put off the lie and put on the truth of Scripture which is that God designed sex to be pleasurable in the marriage bed.
Jen, you will remember that God created woman for the man (1 Cor 11:9). God did this for many reasons, and one reason was clearly sexual. There is nothing wrong and everything right about bringing pleasure to your own husband in and out of the bedroom. Dressing for your husband is not wrong (and I don't mean just sexual clothing here although that is part of it). It must be difficult for you to remember the times when Len involved you with porn and dressed you as a hooker; but that was in the past. You must now press onward and create new memories of purity and beauty with Len to replace the old evil ones.
Try to think of things that Len can do for you to bring you pleasure sexually. This might be hard to imagine at first but if you seek the Lord, read Song of Solomon, and pray about it then I believe God will reveal Himself to you in your sexuality. Now, I don't want you to panic; you don't have to do it all in one night but you do need to begin. If you need help with ideas of things that your husband can do for you then let me know.
As far as the weight gain is concerned, it is time to refocus. Today, stop where you are and assess your situation. Begin to eat healthy and exercise and do not go to food for comfort or protection but to your Heavenly Father Who is able to protect and satisfy our souls. Amen.
I am praying heart peace and soul strength for you today.
grace and love to you, my dear sister,
Jody Hebrews 12: 1-2 ; 1 Peter 3: 4-6.
Dear Jan,
I'm sorry to hear of your ongoing struggles. My heart aches for the havoc that this sin has wreaked in your home. I would encourage you to read the chapter of the Excellent Wife book entitled "God's Provision For Wives" as it outlines very well the Biblical provisions that God has given to us wives to protect us from sinning husbands.
Let me encourage you to contact www.nanc.org to see if there is a counselor in your area. I urge you to do this because I think that there is probably a great deal of validity to your concerns that you are not responding properly and that you may be overcome by the Evil One. I do not desire for you to have this experience, Jan. Who knows but that perhaps God is testing you.......remember Job? Don't curse God and die! Look to Him and Live, my dear sister. This is not to say that your marriage will survive or be restored (though it might be); but it is to say that you have to stand before God for how you respond to your present circumstances....you will want to be sure to follow His ways in this. I am praying for you to this end.
grace to you,
Jody
Dear Shelly,
My heart just ached for you as I read your email. Your pain and experience are similar to my own, but there is hope (Hosea 6: 1-3). The Lord tears, Shelly, but then He does heal. His restoration is total and complete. Trust in Him alone and you will make it through.
It is normal to feel betrayed because you have been. Your husband has committed heart adultery; it is a terrible thing. He has sinned against you, and I pray he has sought your forgiveness for it.
As for your part, according to Scripture, it is necessary for you to forgive your husband if he asks you to (even up to seven times in a day). To forgive someone means that you will: promise to not bring this sin up to your spouse again (Psalm 103:10); not bring this sin up with other people (Psalm 103:12); not dwell on this sin yourself (Jeremiah 31:34).
However, this does not mean that you just immediately forget about the offense. There is no such commandment in the Scriptures. It is normal and proper that you should be somewhat wary for a time.
The good news is that as your husband seeks to build a new and godly relationship with you (a relationship that is based on trust and accountability and purity) then you will be able to forget these past sins against you. You will again be confident in his affections and your heart will be healed. This pain won't last forever. Are you seeing that Tom has a desire to build a new relationship with you? Is he completing his course work daily and seeking accountability from godly men (such as his mentor) and also you? Have you seen him seek ways to radically amputate that which has caused him to sin in the past? Let me know as able.
With respect to reading material, I have read "An Affair of the Mind." The book does have value to it but do bear in mind that her story is an extreme.
By way of encouragement, I would like to send you a copy of the book "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace--this is a complement book to the Exemplary husband book that is displayed on our website (we do not profit or receive any financial benefit from the sale of these books at all; we just think they are excellent resources). The Excellent Wife book is an extremely helpful book for all seasons of life because it is grounded in Scripture. Also, the book details how to deal with a sinning spouse very well in a chapter called "God's provision for Wives." If you are interested then send me your mailing address and I will get the book out to you this coming week.
Another book that is good is "Through Deep Waters--Help for hurting Wives" by Kathy Gallagher. You can get more info about this book at https://s18.sslnet.com/cgibin/cgiwrap/plm/ssl/web_store.cgi?page=inventory.html&cart_id=&target=_s#dw
If the above link doesn't work then go to www.purelifeministries.org and go to their bookstore.
Many of your emotional struggles stem from lies that the Evil One is speaking to you. Recognize them as such and take those thoughts captive to Christ. Pour out your heart to God (Psalm 62:8) and tell Him all your anxieties and fears....He does care for you. Do all that you can to make yourself attractive to your husband and after that it is in the hands of the Lord. He is the only One Who is able to keep your husband from sin.
I am praying for you.
grace and love,
Jody
P.S. We have small children too so I understand the challenges that come with them. Our children are: Kaylee (13), Jeremy (11), Daniel (6), Joshua (2 1/2) and twin girls Charity and Joy (age: 4 months). How old are your children? boys or girls? :-) We love little ones.
Sounds like you and Tom have been on a down turn. I am sorry for the struggle. It can be tiresome, I know; but remember how we are warned that it will be this way. Scripture tells us to not become weary in doing what is right for we will reap a great harvest if we do not faint. Don't faint, Maria!
One trend I am seeing with you guys is that as long as you and Tom remain vigilant in your fight against porn, etc then things go well; but whenever you let your guard down then wham....down you go. Truthfully, everyone is like this to some degree especially when first coming out of sin. Mike and I still remain on guard at all times even though Mike has been free for over two years!
How are things coming with finding a godly group of people to fellowship and worship with where you live? I believe, that face-to-face accountability is so necessary. One thing that helped me to make it through the hard times was that I had the encouragement and support of my local church and I was exposed to good Biblical teaching every week. Further, the local body was important for Mike because he was challenged to change and grow in his walk with the Lord and required to be accountable to other godly men not just to me--which was great because it took the pressure off of me somewhat.
Tom is no more impossible than any other man I have ever heard of or met. They are ALL sinners. They all have failings...every one of them. We women do too, of course. The things that must be done are: 1. Radical amputation: Maria, you have to disable the computer if you are not going to be home. I don't care what you do to it, but you have to do all that you can to make your home a safe haven for Sam especially when you cannot be there to help him. If there are any other things that need to be done too then you and Tom need to brainstorm and figure out how to radically amputate anything that stimulates Sam sexually other than you to the degree that you are able. 2. Radical Accountability--as mentioned above and 3. Radical application of God's Word to your lives--you both need to be interacting with the Word daily and doing it.
Don't despair, Maria, God knows and He does see. He cares for you and He is working it all out for your good and His glory. You might not be able to see it right now; but in times like these we can cling to the character of God. He is good (ALL the time) and we can trust Him.
I love you and I am praying for you.
Jody
Dear Donna,
I will try to mail the book out this week. I hope it is helpful to you.
The only reason I suggested that you obtain current proof is because I thought you said that he is now denying any involvement with porn, etc. If he is denying it now then I believe the only way to confront with authority is to have proof that he is currently lying. However, I want you to know that I appreciate your heart on this matter in that you are wanting to wait on the Lord and to do things His way. Amen to that.
It is great to hear of the softening of hearts on both accounts (yours and his); God is so gracious. I am praying that the Truth will be revealed in your situation.
I have a question about your husband's computer. Are you saying that he has a camera on his computer to monitor it and that you are not allowed access to his computer?
With respect to my husband's bondage to pornography, I did not actually have to live with Mike for all the 15 years that he was involved with porn; but for the time that I did have to live with it....it was difficult and very hurtful-that is why I sought the counsel from my pastor (who is also a Nouthetic counselor--see www.nanc.org). Through his biblical counsel, I was able to grow in Christ and I am now (by God's grace) better equipped to respond to my husband's sins and shortcomings in a way that is honoring to God instead of in the flesh.
One major principle that I learned is that my inner joy must be in Christ alone. My husband Mike is wonderful and greatly loved by me but he is also an imperfect sinner. Christ on the other hand is Rock solid, never changing, and always dependable and perfect. So, while my heart hurts whenever my husband sins against me, it does not despair because my hope is in the Lord! God is in control of all things including our husbands (even when they are sinning) and if we love Him then we can trust in Him that He is working it all out for our good and His glory. Amen.
Hang in there, Donna, and feel free to write any time.
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Cheryl,
Jody here. I am Mike Cleveland's wife. I thought I would respond to you this time. My response is based on my understanding from your email that your spouse is not a believer.
I understand the heartache and anguish of knowing that your spouse is involved with pornography because my husband was involved with porn for many years. The major difference between our circumstances is that your spouse is not a Christian. This does not make this an impossible situation though; it only alters the approach. Scripture speaks specifically to women who have unbelieving spouses in 1 Peter 3:1-2, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."
I want to be clear though that I do not believe that this passage teaches that we are to agree to having pornography in our homes. I would encourage you to make your home a safe haven to the degree that you are able. I would also be watchful of your husband's activities--money he spends, where he goes, what he views on the Internet. If he gets into anything illegal such as viewing child pornography or if he visits a prostitute then you need to report him to the authorities for breaking the civil law. Whenever you find pornography, throw it out as able.
Your friend's counsel to confront is correct according to Matthew 18 which refers to how to deal with a brother who sins against you. Your husband is enslaved to pornography and sadly he won't change just because his sin hurts you (I've not seen one do it yet). If your husband does not repent then he will have to bear the consequences. God can bring true and lasting repentance; we cannot.....no matter how many times we beg and plead. It is hard to wait on the Lord, but if we do then he renews us.
I will be in prayer for him and for you. By way of encouragement I would like to send you a book called The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. She addresses the issue of dealing with an unbelieving husband in her book.
grace and love to you,
Jody
P.S. I will try to mail the book out this week. I hope it is helpful to you.
Religious Spouse in Pornography
Dear Susan,
My name is Jody; I am the wife of the founder of Setting Captives Free.
I understand the heartache and pain that comes when a spouse lives a double life such as you have described. My husband Mike was participating in porn and masturbation for 15 years. In those same years he obtained his degree from seminary and he was active in the church in the ministries of teaching and preaching. It is grievous to see such hypocrisy.
What to do? First, return to church. We cannot forsake the fellowship, for we need the body of Christ especially in times like these.
Second, lovingly confront your husband with recent evidence of his involvement with pornography and give him a biblical reproof using Matthew 5:28. (Every time a man views pornography he is committing heart adultery.) At this same time, you might want to tell your husband about The Way of Purity Course at www.settingcaptivesfree.com.
If your husband does not hear you then it is time to go to the next step of Matthew 18: 15-17. 15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
So, this would mean that you need to discuss your difficulty with someone like a pastor or elder or godly older woman in your church and ask them to come with you when you confront your husband again.
Susan, I realize this is not an easy thing to do. I had to do it myself, but to God's praise my husband repented and our marriage is better than restored and Setting Captives Free was born out of our experience. God has done great things; and I am praying that He will do this with your situation as well.
By way of encouragement, I would like to send to you a free book called "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace (www.marthapeace.com). If you will send your mailing address then I will mail you the book.
Before I go, Susan, let me encourage you to examine your own heart before the Lord. Pray as the Psalmist in Psalm 139, " Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." There is nothing sweeter than having a pure heart before the Lord. His strength will sustain you to the degree that you walk in His ways. I am praying for you to this end.
Let me know if you have any questions. We are here to help.
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Shirley,
I apologize for the delay in my response. I have 4 month old twins, a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old and my 6 yr old had a wild week last week (I was at the pediatricians three days in a row with him). Anyway, life's been crazy and I fell behind. I am sorry.
I am rejoicing at your report of how God has worked in your heart. Amen to that. Also, Mike and I have been praying for you guys.
It sounds like you and Aaron are doing well to have already put into place the WeBlocker. You might also ask Aaron about having you disable the computer (remove the keyboard, mouse, or whatever necessary) whenever he is going to be alone at home or whenever you go to sleep at night. It could be that he got up in the night and accessed the porn or that he broke your password.
Another option is to change the settings on Internet Explorer. The instructions for doing this are as follows: You go into internet explorer, whether you are online or not. Click "Tools" then "Internet options". You then go to content. Under ratings, you will click "settings". You have the ability then to block or partially block 4 different categories of sites, sexual, nudity, violence, and something else.
Set all of the settings to the highest (or lowest) setting, meaning no allowable sites under each category. This way no matter what site you go to, it will ask you for a password, except the allowable ones you list. Then there is a tab for "allowable sites". You can enter the sites that you want to be able to access. If Alex agrees to these changes (and he should because at this point in the course he should understand being radical in order to obtain purity) then you will want to list www.settingcaptivesfree.com as an allowable site so that he can continue with his lessons.
Regarding the accountability issue, I think this probably varies from couple to couple. At this point, I would encourage you to take a couple of steps backward. This may sound a little strange to you, but I think you might get good results from it. At one point, I had to do this with Mike and it really helped him grow stronger. Sometimes we wives can be so zealous for our husband's freedom that we overwhelm them. If Aaron is pursuing purity (meaning that he is doing the course material and that he is active in seeking ways to be accountable to you or another godly man) then I would encourage you to be very quiet about the whole thing...be quiet in general.
Continue to be watchful, of course; and if you find that he has fallen into sin then lovingly confront but otherwise just watch and pray. God will bring it all about in His time.
One of the goals for your marriage at this point should be to have Aaron assume the role that he had probably abandoned and that is the one of spiritual leader in the home. In due time, Aaron will learn (if he isn't already) to wash you in the Word and to lead you in paths of righteousness as He follows Christ. Until Aaron begins to do this, I would encourage you to continue your own personal studies in the Word and to continue to be active in prayer for him. Be sure not to step into the role of spiritual leader yourself...Aaron needs to see an empty spot that needs to be filled.
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
grace to you,
Jody
Dear Veronica,
As far as what your husband has said, it is not an uncommon thing. We all tend to blame shift whenever we sin and so naturally, your husband is going to do and say things to make you believe that if he sins then it is somehow your fault. "I have to sin because you are not pretty or smart." But don't buy into that lie; we can never blame another for our own sin.
On the other hand, as his wife, you must hear your husband and examine his words for any kernel of truth. I'm going to make a suggestion, which might be a bit difficult, but I think it might help. Go to your husband and nicely ask him how you could make yourself more appealing to him and also ask him how best to encourage him (what things could you say that won't sound lame). Do this and then listen to what he says without responding (this is often the hard part); you might even write it down. Then (if you feel comfortable) come back and tell me what he says.
If he cannot think of anything then ask him to think about it and get back to you. For future reference, this is always a good thing to do when your husband complains about you--ask him how you could do it better or in a way that would please him and then as long as it isn't sinning then try to do it his way.
Veronica, I was one month postpartum with Joshua when Mike and I went through this whole process so I can relate to your new baby/husband coming out of sin difficulties. It is difficult; I am praying for you.
Let me know if you have any questions.
grace and love,
Jody
Hi Janis,
My name is Jody. I am the wife of Mike (the founder of Setting Captives Free). I'm sorry for the struggles with your husband losing his job and then your discovery of his involvement with pornography. But be encouraged....if Ricky is enrolled in The Way of Purity Course then by God's grace he may find freedom. May God make it so.
I can relate to your statements about trying to fix things with sex; I struggled in a similar way in my past. But here's the thing, in my past, I had immoral sex (sex outside of marriage) and it was sin no matter what the reason for having sex was.
Now, I am married and it is good to for me to have sexual relations within marriage. It is good to frequently have pure sex with our own husbands (meaning no porn, other people, or pain involved) for whatever reason. Indeed, Scripture refers to the comforting power of sexual relations several times. Here are a couple of examples: Gen 24:66 (Rebekah comforts her husband Issac sexually after the death of his mother); 2 Sam 12:24 (David comforts his wife Bathsheba sexually).
1 Cor 7 tells us that we are not to separate from our spouse sexually except by mutual consent for the purpose of prayer and drawing nearer to Christ and then it is to be only for a time. Otherwise, we are giving the Evil One a foot hold in our marriage....not something any of us wish to do. Sexual relations within marriage are good, right and necessary to keep the evil one away.
I hope this is helpful. Did I answer your question? Feel free to write to me anytime.
grace to you,
Jody
Hi Julie,
Jody here. Sorry I wasn't available earlier today, but it appears that Mike was able to give you some assistance.
This is a very HARD thing to do--asking how your husband would like you to change when you believe that he is habitually sinning against you. Samuel may (probably will) say things to you that are harsh, unreasonable and unkind and possibly totally untrue...fight the urge to defend yourself. Do whatever you have to do but don't argue with him. After you hear him out then just come and pour it all out in an email and we can help you sort through it. Okay?
I am planning to get the book out to you this week. It will be very helpful, I think.
Finally, I want to ask you how you are doing in your relationship with God? Are you spending time reading God's Word every day and time in prayer too? The reason I ask is that it is your relationship with Christ that is going to get you through these stormy times. Samuel may waver back and forth but if you have your eyes fixed on Christ then you can get off the roller coaster and just walk steadily onward. In times like these we all need the stability that only God our Rock and our Refuge can provide.
I look forward to hearing from you again.
grace and love to you,
Jody (Hebrews 12: 1-2)
Dear Julie,
I am so glad to hear that things have improved. I was greatly encouraged by your letter relating how you and Samuel had a long talk and then made love. I am rejoicing with you. I know it must have been difficult for you to take the steps backward and listen and then to step out of your comfort zone and turn the light on to bring him pleasure; but WOW, you did so great! This is overcoming evil with good! Way to go.
I have been following the communications with you and Mike as I am able. (We have four children that live with us--6 yr and 2 1/2 yr old sons and then 4 month old twin girls so that keeps me busy during the day) I noted that you asked if I intervened in any way and I want you to know that I did.
You did not do a wrong thing to ask Samuel to remove the porn movies from your house. It was the right and God honoring thing to do and if Samuel is continuing to sin with these movies in his truck then it is not your fault. You have made steps toward making your home a safe haven and now we must beg God to convict Samuel and to soften his heart to hear the truth that porn is sin and that he needs to repent of any involvement with it. Mike said that he is willing to email Samuel if you think that that he would read it; he could word it as you mentioned that you had been communicating with me, etc. Let me know what you think.
As I said above, I did intervene whenever I found out about Mike's involvement with porn. At first, I hinted and suggested and tip toed around it while talking with Mike. I was afraid to confront him. Mike and I are a second marriage (on both sides), and I was afraid that he would leave me. So, when the hinting didn't work, I went to my pastor. He was very calm about it all and he told me that I needed to lovingly confront Mike and that if I didn't then he would. So, in our next counseling session, our pastor confronted Mike head on about it--in a very loving way, of course. I was so relieved, but I thought I was going to die right there on the spot. I was so afraid that Mike was not going to receive it well. But God was gracious to me and Mike did receive it.
Another way I intervened was to ask Mike to give away his laptop computer because it had been part of his struggle; he did it. Our pastor also had him to take the TV out of his room whenever he went out of town with his job because Mike had struggled with watching porn movies; he did that too. It is clear to me now that God had really softened Mike's heart and readied him to hear the truth. It was not an overnight healing though. It took Mike about a month to truly amputate everything and then it took a few more months for us to stabilize and become strong. With the purity came the power to stand firm and also came the desire to help others out of the trap that nearly destroyed our marriage thus Setting Captives Free was born.
With respect to dealing with your emotions through all this, I'm not going to lie and say that it is easy. It isn't. As Christians we are to respond to the sins of others according to Scripture: loving confrontation, overcoming evil with good, communicating in a biblical fashion., etc... We are not to be resentful, bitter, hateful, accusatory, revengeful...(you get the idea). The only way we can do what is right is to be walking closely with our Lord. We have to take our eyes off of our sinning spouse and fix them on Jesus. We have to place all our hope in Him alone. It isn't that we ignore the sin, but that we refocus our attention and energies. We fight the sin not our spouse. We take our emotions to God in prayer and pour out our souls to Him...He does care and He hears. God is close to the broken hearted and those of a contrite spirit. We must never forget that we too are sinners and just as we cannot immediately stop being angry about our spouses sin so our spouse cannot immediately just stop doing his sin. It is a learning to put off what is wrong and put on what is right.
Don't get caught up in the mental gymnastics of trying to figure it all out...you won't be able to and it wouldn't help you if you could. This is a ploy of the Evil One to divide your marriage even further. I agree with you that Samuel is committing heart adultery if he is viewing porn but it is NOT physical adultery and the two are not the same. Heart adultery is not grounds for divorce whereas physical adultery is. There is a difference though I don't think the hurt is any less or greater between the two. Most men don't think of it this way though. I don't think Mike did until he had been away from it for awhile. Also, remember the words of Jesus on the cross, "Father, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing." Right now, Samuel is in denial and not wanting to admit that he is sinning; and you are in the position of suffering because of Samuel's sins just as Jesus suffered because of your sins and mine. In a way, you are fellowshipping with Christ in His sufferings right now. Finally, you can write to me anytime and share your feelings. I do understand.
Hang in there, Julie. You are doing well, I think. Let me encourage you to begin stabilizing yourself by drawing near to Christ. You are going to need your strength because this is spiritual warfare and not for the faint hearted. You cannot force Samuel to become a godly man, but you can seek the Lord yourself and live a godly life in front of him (see 1 Peter 3 for a description of how to be truly beautiful) and pray that your beauty will draw him away from sin and to Christ.
grace and love to you,
Jody
P.S. I also wanted to tell you how sad I was to read of the death of your only child. My first baby was a full term still born. She was a pretty little girl named Emily with curly brown hair. She would be 7 years old now if she had lived. My daughter died from a cord accident. Do you know why your baby died?
Dear Julie,
I am not surprised by the extent of Samuel's denial. You should have seen Mike deny his involvement with porn....he was absolutely adamant for the longest time when I knew without a doubt that he was involved with it.
At this point, you have acknowledged that you haven't dealt with this whole thing biblically up to this point. And I am rejoicing to see you seeking the Lord and desiring to grow strong spiritually. Amen. It is Christ who will sustain you through this whole process to be sure.
However, you do need to deal with this now according to God's Word. If you will read Matthew 18 then you will note the following steps for dealing with a professing Christian who is (or has) sinned against you. The first step is for you to gather hard evidence of Samuel's involvement with porn and then to give a loving rebuke using God's Word. If that doesn't work then you need to get someone from your church (the pastor or a trusted friend) to go with you with the evidence in hand again and then they need to rebuke him with you. If Samuel's still fails to repent then hopefully your pastor will assist you in this matter further by taking it before the Church body.
I realize that this is very scary, Julie; because I had to do it myself. I was so afraid that Mike would not receive the rebuke; but he did. Praise the Lord. I know Samuel isn't spiritually sound, but no man who is habitually involved with sin is spiritually sound. And no matter what you have to deal with this matter the biblical way now; God is faithful and He will honor your obedience.
One other quick thought I wanted to share with you is that you need to physically be in the presence of Samuel as much as possible. He invited you to go to his job site; I would do it. He goes to pool tournaments.......go with him Go with him when he runs errands. Be with him as much as possible. The goal is to remove as much opportunity for sin as you possibly can.
Finally, when you do confront Samuel again then that is when I would bring up the Setting Captives Free site and Mike's email as a way of offering hope of freedom from the sin. Let me know how it goes.
grace and love to you,
Jody
P.S. You are doing well for now to conceal the matter from his daughter and son in law.
Forgiveness, by Pastor Kyle White
Dear Jill,
I am Jodi White's husband, pastor of a church in Elmendorf, TX. Jodi let me read your letter to her in which you are crying out for help. You are having difficulty forgiving your husband and putting this matter which he has confessed to you behind you. Believe me when I say that I think I know what you are going through, at least to some degree.
I must begin by saying that it is extremely important that you know from what kind of basis you are working as you seek to do the impossible. God is expecting of you that which you are too weak to do. Your flesh, full of pride, self-centeredness, manifested in the self-pity with which you are struggling, is too strong to over come by yourself. The emotions that you have expressed in your letter are natural - the flesh is weak and will run with those emotions, to the destruction of yourself, your husband, your marriage and the glory of God.
It is the last thing in that last statement that is most significant here. I said it is extremely important for you to examine the basis from which you are laboring to overcome this horrible situation. Please understand that nothing I say is in anyway an attempt to exonerate your husband - he is dead wrong! In fact, under God's law, he deserves to die! But the issue here is not him, but you. What about you? Are you free from sin? Have you come short of the glory of God? Have you ever put anyone or anything ahead of God? As a breaker of God's law you too deserve to die! Adam broke one law and was cast out of the garden of Eden, sentenced to death, and everyone born into this world carries in his nature the same sentence. How many times have you broken God's law?
The only way that you are exempted from this deserved sentence of death is if you are granted forgiveness from God! But how can God forgive you? Because He is just, He must punish sin and there is no sin apart from the sinner, therefore, He must punish you, the sinner. Forgiveness is only possible if your sin is punished - someone must take your place! Well, here we see the glory of the cross of Jesus Christ. The very Son of God gave Himself as a sacrifice and received the punishment of death upon Himself in order to satisfy the just wrath of God against sinners. God is able to remain just and holy and at the same time receive you as a pardoned sinner - not because of any good in you, but because of the work of His perfect Son.
Why am I saying all of this? Because the very basis for our relationship of peace with God is the very same basis for our relationship of peace with those who sin against us. Just as God for Christ's sake has forgiven me, I for Christ's sake, because of what He has done for me, must forgive those who sin against me. If I truly believe that my forgiveness from God is undeserved and that His love is set upon me because of His good pleasure, then I am able to love and forgive those who may not seem to deserve it from me. Just as God does not make me jump through all kinds of hoops in order to gain forgiveness, so I must not make others conform to some standard that I establish in order to get forgiveness from me.
Who am I to demand anything of the one who comes to me seeking my forgiveness? Who am I to withhold that? And if I grant forgiveness to others like God has to me, then I will not hold the matter against the person which I have forgiven.
Now this is easy to talk about when it involves petty matters of everyday conflict. Not so hard to forgive someone else for speaking a harsh word at you or for selfishly cutting you off in a grocery store line. But what about when it hits close to home? This is what you are being faced with. The theory of forgiveness is being tested in the severest way for you. Your husband has violated your trust, has sinned against God, you and your children (if there are any), and has created an atmosphere that would only stir up anger and hatred in the heart of one who doesn't know anything about the forgiveness of God in his own life. But if you really understand and dwell upon the great forgiveness that God has granted you (if He has granted it to you) in Jesus Christ, then you will be able to forgive even the greatest sin against you.
To not forgive your husband is to live with a spirit of "I deserve better than this." But do you? I know that he should have never cheated on you. I know that he should have kept his vows and you should expect that of one another. But he didn't. You must look beyond what you may think you deserve and see that God's hand is orchestrating your life to accomplish His purpose in you and those around you. You said in your letter, "I am learning to trust God complete, that is my Goal but how do I reach these goals???" Trusting God is extremely important in times like this. It requires, though, that you believe that He is all wise and knows what is best for you and those around you. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to you. But remember who you are - limited in your vision and understanding. You don't know what tomorrow will bring. You must deal with the events in your life with the light that you have and with an ever increasing confidence that God knows what He is doing.
In all of this you are learning, to some degree, what God has done in forgiving you. Has your husband sinned more against you than you have against God? Has God forgiven you? God is infinitely holy and does not compare to you, and yet you have sinned against Him. You are a peer with your husband, really no better than him in many ways, and yet you can't forgive him. That's rather incredible if you stop and think about it. Do you believe it is possible for you to sin against your husband as he has sinned against you?
My wife didn't think she could sin in that way against me at one time either - but she did! Understanding your own frailty and the possibility that exists in your own heart for sin helps to generate a heart of forgiveness for others. This is particularly true as you consider how great a forgiveness God has granted to you.
God enabled me to forgive my wife. I received her back right away, but did go through some struggles. There were for a time, and still from time to time are, thoughts that plague me. Why did she do it? What was wrong with me? I wonder if she liked them as much as me? Most of the thoughts that I have had that create problems flow from a focus on myself. When my focus is upon Christ and His beauty and worth, then my mind is not troubled by such thoughts.
Yes, there is also the mistrust factor. It took a little while for my wife to build back up the trust that I once had in her. But really, because she was genuinely changed, it only took several months perhaps for the trust factor to be as strong and stronger than ever. I do have thoughts of doubt that flash across my mind now that would never exist if she had not done the things she did. This is just simply the consequence of her sin that affects me.
But, I must tell you that my marriage is better now than ever before. God has worked graciously in my wife and me. She engaged in the sinful acts, but I had enough sin of my own within me that God was working to rid me of. I am thankful that God has brought us through this. He has taught me more in the last year concerning who I am and my complete need of Jesus Christ than I have learned in all my life before.
If you are truly His child, He is teaching you as well. Lay down the resistance. Submit to God's order in your life. Praise Him for bringing about a change in your husband and pour yourself into pursuing Christ and being satisfied with Him, and then seek to be satisfied with the husband that God has given to you.
Remember, under the law your husband would have been put to death. Praise God for mercy! See in your husband a living demonstration of God's grace as he continues to be changed from within and conformed in his entire life more and more to the image of Christ.
Please ask questions of anything that I have said. There is probably more that needs to be said and perhaps something that has been said that confuses you. Please write. Jodi is getting a copy of this. You can send a copy of any of your correspondence to me to her as well.
Desiring to help you know and practice the forgiveness of God in Christ,
Kyle White-Setting Captives Free Mentor
Community Baptist Church
Elmendorf, TX (San Antonio area)
Yes, I will admit that it looks bad--ten different women who are accusing and one man who is denying it; however, unless you have hard evidence (chat logs of him talking to these women) then you really have to take his word over theirs because he is your husband and primary relationship.
Have you guys considered getting rid of (radically amputating) all chat programs on your computer? Mike and I did this with our computers and it helped a lot. It showed that he had a desire to build up trust in our relationship no matter the cost or inconvenience and that he was really serious about freedom. I was willing to give up the chat programs (which I used to talk with my sister) in order to help him to be free. Teamwork is a great thing.
No matter what you and Jay decide there is a need for high accountability in your marriage; and so you and Jay need to be looking for ways to accomplish this in your relationship. The trust needs to be built up again. On your end, you can encourage Jay by letting him know that you believe in him and that you desire for him to succeed in his pursuit of purity. If Jay is resistant to accountability then my husband or Jay's mentor can address the issue with him. Let me know.
grace to you,
Jody
Dear Sarah,
Your Excellent Wife book will go out this week.
I understand the struggle; but it is Biblical for us to be sexually available to our spouses so as not to allow the Evil One a foothold in our marriages (see 1 Corinthians 7:1-5; especially verse 5). However, if your husband takes (is taking) this The Way of Purity study then he will learn that no matter what (whether you are available to him or not) sexual impurity is NEVER a choice. It is not a "if you don't give it to me then I'll do porn, etc" kind of deal any more.
I think that you will see that as the purity comes in the marriage so will the pleasure. My heart ached for you as I read that you were considering sexual intimacy a punishment. This was definitely not what God created sexual intimacy for; I'll be praying for you that God will restore to you the joy and the years that sin has taken from you.
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Barbara,
It is my personal opinion that you are not out of line to read any email that your husband sends, even to his mentor. As husband and wife the goal is to have open communication...everything out in the open and up on the table.
A way to help your husband be more open about his struggles with you is to always have a loving and forgiving and helpful attitude when he approaches you with them. If he comes and tells you that he would like you to stay home with him instead of going to camp because he doesn't want to fall into sin then you must be prepared in heart and mind and voice to say, "yes, I want to do whatever is going to help you be pure." Think of it in terms of an illness. If your husband had cancer you would do all that you could do to see him return to health; well, sexual impurity is like a cancer of the soul. Our husbands need us a lot and after all God created us for them according to 1 Cor 11:9.
As far as the camp thing is concerned, I would just come right out and ask him how he is feeling about it. Something like, "Hey, I was wondering how you feel about the fact that I am going to be gone for a whole week at camp? Are you going to be okay?" You might even need to ask how he is planning to remain pure while you are gone. If he typically struggles with the Internet then he might need you to disable the computer for that week while you are gone. Does this make sense?
As I indicated above it is extremely hard for men to break free from the enslaving power of sexual impurity. Imagine doing something nearly every day of your life for years and then suddenly trying to stop cold turkey...it is hard! It is similar to quitting smoking or drinking.
I would encourage you to talk with your husband about the trust issues. It is normal to not trust him because he has a history of breaking trust and sinning against you, but the trust can be restored. Talk with him about ways that this can be done. If you tell me in what areas your husband struggles the most then I can brainstorm with you about ways that he can build trust with you. At this point in the course, he should be agreeable to anything that is going to help him remain pure. Let me know as able. We are praying for you both.
grace and love to you,
Jody
Your Excellent Wife book will go out this week.
Dear Linda,
Thank you for filling in some of the gaps. It is helpful. I am sad to say that your story is not all that unusual or foreign to me. My own personal life experiences are similar to yours and then every day I meet new men and women through Setting Captives Free who have lived through similar sorrows. My heart is ever grieved at the pain and agony that sin brings with it.
As far as figuring out what is wrong...well, through God's Word we can figure it out and by His grace and power you can have the joy of your salvation restored. The thing I need to hear from you is that you are committed to this process. It will not be easy at times and there may be times when you do not feel like following through but Proverbs 3: 5-6 tells us that we are not to lean on our own understanding but in all our ways acknowledge God and He will direct our paths. I promise you that if you will follow Christ then He will heal you and bring joy unspeakable into your heart and life.
Your husband Rick sounds like a kind and solid man. What is he doing for a living now? Is he involved with you and the children? Would you say that he is totally closed to God and church at this point? When is the last time you two talked about this issue?
Your daughters sound lovely. How is your relationship with them? Do either of them remember your previous involvement with church or are they showing any interest in God? Would you say that they would be open or closed to attending church with you? Have you spoken with them about these matters?
At this point, a first step is for you to return to a local body of believers--a Bible based, stable, well established church that is local to you. If you need assistance in locating one then I will be glad to help you with this. Next, you need to begin a daily time of Bible study and prayer. I can help you with this by sending you daily study material which you would return to me; how does that sound? Let me know.
grace to you,
Jody
P.S. Linda, I am really hopeful for you. Remember that from our view our lives might seem a mess but from God's view all things are working out for the good of those who love Him and for His glory. Exodus 15:26 says, "For I, the Lord, am your Healer." Amen.
Dear Cindy,
Good question. I believe that using porn is just an evidence of a failure to worship and enjoy God (see Colossians 3:5; Ephesians 5:5).
We all worship something (minute to minute) sometimes it is a thing, a person, an activity, etc. The people who come to Setting Captives Free have developed life dominating habits of viewing porn or masturbating or being involved with some other form of sexual impurity....they are worshipping their flesh. So in that sense, porn is a symptom of a deeper sin; but on the whole, I think you can view porn as just another tool of that the evil one uses to draw people away from finding satisfaction in Christ. He promises them pleasure and fulfillment with the "perfect person" but they are disappointed every time as they walk away feeling empty and still wanting.
On a broader scale, sometimes pornography is just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes a person might discover that their spouse is involved with porn but then later they discover that it is not only porn. Recently, we have heard two testimonies about men who had developed completely different identities....these men had two separate families (wives, children, homes, etc) and it all began by involvement with pornography at a young age (usually around 10 or so). But in my opinion it all boils down to seeking satisfaction in something other than Christ...some may be further down the road of sexual impurity but they are all headed down the same path of destruction no matter what their level of involvement with sexual impurity.
I try to convey to people that viewing porn is just as evil and wicked as having sex with prostitutes. Granted the consequences for sleeping with prostitutes is greater, but we cannot ever teach that one sin is lesser in the eyes of God because the minute we do then we have bought the devil's lie that we aren't all that bad because at least we don't........fill in the blank with some sin you aren't given to. Does this make sense?
I am just continually awed at the craftiness of the Evil One but even more awed and thrilled at our God Who is greater and able to deliver even the one who is a the bottom of the pit. Amen.
Does this answer your question?
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Debbie,
This is probably one of the hardest things to do in life--overcoming evil with good--because it requires that we suffer loss. If we follow Christ in this, we might actually being doing good to someone who has (or is sinning) sinned against us. By the world's standards it is not fair or just! But by eternal standards, we are laying up treasures in heaven. Amen to that!
I want you to know that my heart is for you and Mike and I are praying for you and Len that you would overcome evil with good and that he would shun evil and cling to Christ. In Christ, we are overcomers!
grace and love,
Jody
Dear Jenn,
Good answers. I really appreciate your heart in these matters. Biblical communication is such a key element to a godly marriage, and God will honor your desire to grow in this area as you seek His power to honor Him in your speech.
May God enable us all to live out James 1:19-20, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Sarah,
We enjoyed having you and Len over on Sunday afternoon. It was a blessing to be able to share with you what God has done/is doing in our lives. We have great hope for you both that God is going to do great things with Len and you too.
I am sorry this lesson made you cry. It is a very sensitive subject; but also a very important one. As you can see from the Scriptures in the study, if we are not sexually intimate with our spouses then we give the Evil One a foothold in our lives. The only reason to separate is to spend concentrated time in prayer and in seeking the Lord and then it should only be for a short time and by mutual consent.
Your decreased desire for sex could be related to forgiveness but there might also be other factors as well. Let's work through it.
How are you physically? Are you suffering with any discomforts? Are you sleeping well?
When you think of sex what is the first thing that comes to mind?
How long has it been since you and Len were physically intimate? What is different now? (Think physical, emotional and spiritual.)
I'm sorry to play twenty questions with you, but I want to help and so I ask. I care about you, Sarah. My heart is so much for you, and I want you to experience the joy and fulfillment that comes from sexual intimacy in a pure marriage bed.
Communicate as able.
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Tammy,
I grieves me to say this but I have to......you are sinning. You sound very bitter and angry and unloving. I beg of you to stop and hear the Word of the Lord.
You talk about how Larry is mocking God's Word by saying it sounds cheezy when you read it to him; well, Tammy, you are mocking God's Word with your actions. You wanted your husband to desire you and then you judged his heart and motives when he told you that he did desire you. You wanted him to be physically intimate with you and then went off on him when he came to you for sex. These are irrational and sinful behaviors.
I do understand your frustration and your pain over the past and the hurtful things that Larry has said to you but your response is not one that honors God. We are not to tell our husbands off or "lay it on the line" at any time. We are not to deny them sex or to make them so miserable and guilt ridden that they no longer desire us. We are not to dwell on the past sins that our husbands have committed against us or become embittered by those past wrongs. We are to forgive, love and to find our soul's rest in Christ. We were created for our husbands and we are to be their helpmeets. You are trying to take revenge and to punish your husband for his sins against you. You cannot do this as it is God's job. "Vengeance is mine says the Lord." Trust me, God does a much better job than you can.
Just because you aren't quiet by nature doesn't mean that you cannot be quiet. You just need to learn how to do it. I was not a quiet person by nature either but I am learning. Scripture tells us in general to "Study to be quiet..." (1 Thes 4: 11) and then more specifically to wives in 1 Peter 3 we are instructed: "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." You think about this passage, Tammy. It would seem that you are very externally focused right now and not minding your inner woman. Don't you want to be a holy woman whose hope is in the Lord? If you do then you must obey God's Word--gentleness, quietness, and submission are what God finds to be beautiful and of worth in women.
With respect to separating from your husband...again, I tell you this would be sinful. 1 Cor 7 is very clear that we are not to separate except by mutual consent, for a time and then only for the purpose of prayer and seeking the Lord.
Tammy, your husband is seeking purity; now you have got to cut the man some slack. Let Mike wrestle with Larry and you take some time to work on Tammy. Go to the Lord and pour out your heart to Him. Ask God for forgiveness for your sinful attitudes and actions and then humbly seek the forgiveness of your husband for you have sinned against him too. If you will do this then God will honor your obedience.
I am praying for you.
Jody
Dear Tammy,
I can understand your pain. Mike denied me sexually over and over while he was involved with porn and even when he began walking in freedom there were times when he still withdrew from me sexually for one reason or another. It is painful to be denied physical intimacy, and it is also sinful of Larry since Scripture teaches that the husband is not to deny his wife. Mike is going to address this issue with Larry along with the fact that Larry wants you to dress skimpy in public.
Regarding encouraging without words, it can be done. You can pray for Larry. Pray that God would soften his heart and give him true and lasting freedom. Pray that God would soften Larry's heart towards you. Pray that your heart would be softened towards Larry. Pray for strength to endure.
Another way is to be content. Quiet contentedness is so beautiful, Tammy (1 Peter 3) and it is a big encouragement to a man. This was a big struggle for me when Mike was coming out of sexual impurity. I had to become content with Christ alone and to learn to keep my eyes focused on Christ so that I would not be obsessed about Mike and end up driving him crazy.
Now, I'm not sure if you meant what you said about leaving your husband if he doesn't get his act together but I do have to address it because you said it. To leave your husband would be sinful. To my knowledge, you do not have biblical grounds for divorce or separation at this time.
Tammy, there is hope you just cannot see it right now. God has a plan and He is working it out. Trust His heart and do not trust in your own understanding but acknowledge Him and He will guide and direct you (Proverbs 3: 5-6).
I am praying for you. I do care.
grace and love,
Jody
Dear Sheryl,
Hey, glad to get your answers today. I'm rejoicing that you are still walking in Victory. Amen to God's grace in your life.
It is fine for you to give me your opinion here. I hope you feel free to write to me anytime about anything. There might be lag time in my responses sometimes but it isn't because I don't want to write to you. I pray this finds you well and resting in Christ.
I'm sorry for your recent disappointment in the discussion group. And you are right, the discussion group is not for the purpose of debating theological issues; but I don't think it was the intent of the moderators to initiate a debate on this topic. The whole thing started because someone posted an endorsement of Pastor Joyce on the discussion group. And while some might think that we should have left it alone, the board of Setting Captives Free felt that we needed to make it clear that SCF does not endorse women exercising authority over a man within the church. So, the moderators made the necessary post about the biblical role of a woman in the Church. They couldn't help it that a debate ensued.
I personally think that understanding our biblical roles as women is very important to our freedom from habitual sin. It has been my experience that whenever a woman does not have a Scriptural understanding of her role in the body of Christ then she will struggle with submitting to Christ in some area or another.
1 Timothy 2 tells us: "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man...." Sheryl, can you see how if we fail to submit to this Scripture then we are sinning? I believe that if we refuse to submit to this passage then we also open ourselves up to ignoring other passages of Scripture and thus endanger our souls of becoming enslaved to other sins. But if we submit ourselves to Christ in all things then we will find freedom from all life dominating sins. This truth is not founded in denomination but in Scripture. Does this make sense? I am open to discussing it with you.
grace and love to you, my friend. I am praying for you today.
Jody
Dear Susan,
I just wanted to touch base with you. I am Mike's wife--Jody. I'm sorry for the struggles that you are facing with your son, Josh; but as I'm sure my husband has already told you....there is hope. It would seem that Jim desires freedom from the enslaving power of porn and masturbation. Amen to that. I am thankful that we can be a part of his pursuit of purity.
You have had many experiences in your life to be sure; and I can personally relate to several of them. So, I would like to share with you some words and verses of encouragement that have been/are a help to me.
Jeremiah 17:14, "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise!" Susan, God does heal our wounded hearts. He is the One who is able to truly comfort our souls and to lift up our heads (Psalm 3:3).
Consider this passage from Nehemiah 8: 8-12, 17, "They read from the Book of the Law of God, making it clear and giving the meaning so that the people could understand what was being read. Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve." Then all the people went away to eat and drink, to send portions of food and to celebrate with great joy, because they now understood the words that had been made known to them.....From the days of Joshua son of Nun until that day, the Israelites had not celebrated it like this. And their joy was very great."
Notice how the people mourned when they heard the Word and understood how they had sinned against God. This is how you are mourning for Jim. You are mourning the affects of sin in your son's life. He has suffered loss and you have too as his mom. But now, notice what Nehemiah said. He told them to stop mourning and to go and celebrate. Why? Because they now understood the words of God and so their lives would be different. As we understand God's Word and learn to appropriate it into our lives then we no longer need to be enslaved to sin. I am praying that this is where Jim is...that as he reads God's Word in The Way of Purity Course that he will then have understanding and no longer be enslaved to porn and masturbation. That he will recover from the ache of sin and that he will experience the celebration and feast that there is in Christ. Amen.
Susan, let me encourage you to not allow the Evil One a foothold in your life. If he can steal our joy by having us focus on our circumstances or on the sins of others then he is delighted and victorious. We must instead fix our eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12: 1-3) and let Him be our praise. God is faithful; He can heal your broken heart.
Let us know if we can do anything for you.
grace to you,
Jody
Dear Susan,
I understand and share the desires you have for your son; I will certainly be praying for him to this end. It's interesting to me because I was just talking with Mike about our sons the other day and many of the desires that you spoke to are ones I expressed to him for our boys. A mother's heart, huh? I certainly don't think our desires are wrong, but I do think that we may both have to wait to see them come to fruition (me longer than you).
In the mean time consider this way of looking at things: Jim is like that guy who went down the wrong road and was beaten by the robbers and left for dead and then the good Samaritan came along poured on the oil and the wine and carried him to the hotel so that he might fully recuperate from his beatings and eventually return to his family. Jim was beaten to a pulp by sin, Susan; he was wounded beyond recognition--he was no longer the man he was before he became involved with the stuff--so now he really is in somewhat of a "recovery" stage (though viewing pornography and masturbating is not an "illness" but rather a sin).
Yes, Jim chose to sin and he is responsible; however, we must never forget that we each have a sin which easily beset us and we are called to put them off (Hebrews 12, "let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us..." ). Jim is in the process of putting off the sin that beset him for so long. And as he walks the road to purity by God's grace his path will get brighter by the day (Proverbs 4:18) and you will see him begin to change. It won't always be about him.
When my husband was involved with the life dominating sin of porn/sexual impurity, he was practically blind to the needs of his wife and children. He lived for himself....that's what sin does. Sin turns a person inward. And even after Mike began his walk in purity things changed slowly, but now......wow, he is awesome! He sees me and really cares about me. He is tender and open and kind and gentle and a servant to others. God has transformed both of our lives and for this I am grateful. There is hope.
If you feel that Jim's female friend would be open to hearing from you then make contact with her and share with her from your heart. You might even forward these emails to her so she can get a better understanding of what's going on with Jim. She probably has pulled back because she doesn't understand and is afraid that Jim will always be enslaved to porn, but this does not have to be so. By God's grace and power Jim can become free and whoever the Son sets free is FREE INDEED! I'm glad that Jim told this young lady about his sin struggle and that he asked her forgiveness. Do you think he should do something or that he could do something more? Maybe it is something that Mike could help him with. Something to think about.
I will continue to remember you in prayer. May God be gracious to you and reveal Himself to you as Jehovah Rapha--the God Who heals.
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Susan,
Please don't feel like you are "dumping" on me. I don't feel that way at all; and I want to help if I can. I do understand what you are saying--Porn/sexual impurity is a disgusting evil. On the other hand, your precious son is a man who has flesh that is weak. Try to keep the two separate. Jim was deceived (as we have all been at one time or another) and he got into something that he thought he could control, but instead it ended up controlling him.
In dealing with troublesome thoughts, I have found it is helpful to remember that we must always take every thought captive to Christ and make it obedient to Him. When the thoughts of disgust and disdain come then take them to Christ and ask Him to give you humility and grace in your soul so that you might respond to your prodigal son as the Father in the Scriptures did--with open arms, forgiveness, love, and a heart of celebration for the freedom that the son is now experiencing.
You mentioned that Jim has sinned against others who are suffering in silence. Who are these people? Perhaps Mike can address this issue with Jim as needed. Jim does need to ask for the forgiveness of anyone that he has sinned against and he needs to seek restoration to the degree possible.
Do you feel that we are encouraging Jim in a victim mentality? We do not believe this way so we need to clarify this with Jim if he has somehow gotten the impression that we see him as a victim and therefore not responsible for his sins. We would not agree with this mindset at all.
Susan, I can only imagine how grieved you must be for the sins that your son has committed; but let me encourage you to look forward and be hopeful. God is able to keep Jim from sin and it would seem that He is doing this work. Jim appears to have a repentant heart as evidenced by his pursuit of the Word and his willingness to forsake his sin. We continue to pray for you both.
grace and love to you,
Jody
Dear Sandi,
I received a copy of your responses to today's teaching, and I appreciated your candid and honest assessment of where you are, as well as the feedback you provided. Thank you. Obviously, I cannot know your situation entirely, but I do want to encourage you to press on and to continue to seek the Lord through this difficult time. I didn't have a mentor or anyone to talk to when my husband was coming into purity and I can still remember feeling so alone in my pain. Looking back, I believe that God put me in that place (a desert of sorts) so that I could cling only to Him. He wanted all the glory for my healing and wholeness, and I can tell you He gets it. It isn't that mentors aren't great and/or that a godly people can't help us, because they sure can but, rather, that if God doesn't send a person it doesn't mean that He doesn't care and/or that you aren't important. God treats each of us in the way that is best for us. Well, that was the long way of saying that God cares, I care and I'm sure that your mentor cares and is praying for you, even if she isn't able to respond daily. All the United Front mentors are unpaid volunteers who have a heart to comfort other women with the comfort they have received from the Scriptures; sometimes family obligations, other ministry obligations, sickness, etc., may keep us from responding daily, but it is never because of a lack of concern or care.
One other area in which I want to encourage you is in the area of mourning. I agree with you regarding the Scriptures, "There is a time to cry," etc. but anger, resentment and bitterness toward your husband is not mourning; it is sin. Don't misunderstand; I do understand the struggle having "been there and done that" in my past. But the Scriptures clearly state that we must get rid of all bitterness (Eph 4:31; Heb 12:15) and the only type of anger that is allowable is the kind where we don't sin in it (Eph 4:26).
I don't think there is any way to avoid pain in this life, Sandi. We sin against others and cause pain; they sin against us. It's a vicious cycle to be sure, but feeling our pain isn't the pathway to healing. The way to healing is through the cross of Christ. Christ endured all the wrath of God on the cross because of our sin (not just our husband's, but ours too). God has forgiven us so much and, in light of Calvary, it is a small thing for us to forgive those who offend us. This is not said to minimize your husband's sin but, rather, to empower you to be free from a prison of pain. You can be a victim if you want, but there is no comfort there; I urge you to cast your cares on Christ and ask Him to take your sorrows and give you a new song of joy. I'm not saying to pretend you don't have pain but, rather, that you can have a type of joy in the midst of it. If you pour out your heart to God (as you see in the Psalms repeatedly) then He will comfort you with His love and in so doing His love with flow from you to your husband and those around you.
I am truly sorry that your husband sinned against you in this way, Sandi, and I can empathize with you (as can all the United Front mentors) but I want you to have hope that Christ can heal your marriage and even more! My marriage was one big tragedy before Christ, but now my husband and I have a triumphant marriage and God has done and continues to amaze us with His grace. It isn't that the evil one never tempts us toward anger, bitterness, etc., but that we are both seeking the Lord and together we are able to thwart the evil one in his schemes to divide. I'm praying for you to this end, as well.
May God bless you richly as you continue to seek Him and love your husband, and I pray that you will receive this letter in the spirit in which it was sent, not in condemnation but in love.
Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance,
Jody Cleveland
Donate
About Us
Contact Us
Sitemap
Terms & Conditions