Amanda's Testimony

I am a poster child for horror stories of psychiatric drugs. All glory goes to God, but much in part thanks to Setting Captives Free I have been "drug free" for over two years now.

I was first put on anti-depressants when I was 12 years old. This began a series of in and out-patient hospital stays, "counseling" sessions (many horror stories here as well from secular counseling), countless diagnosis's, and a lifestyle filled with habitual sin of all kinds. Over the course of over 10 years I dealt with eating disorders, cutting, suicidal thoughts and so much more. I was diagnosed with severe depression, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), multiple personalities (this diagnosis actually came from a "Christian counselor" at a "Christian" college I was attending at the time), Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar Disorder, and so much more.

I took so much medication over the years I lost count. The drugs that I remember being on at one time or another include Effexor, Seroquel, Risperdal, Paxil, Valium, Lithium, Zoloft, Lexapro, Prozac, Wellbutrin, and Trazadone. There are more I'm sure, but these are the ones I remember for the most part. I also had medications to help "contain" the side effects of these drugs. It was sort of crazy. They used to say the drugs worked better "alongside" one another. What foolishness! One of my last doctors said there might not be much more for me to try. It was suggested at one time that I try electric shock therapy.

An important note...looking back I can see that God gave me an opportunity to step away from the "medication lifestyle" when a church I was attending wanted to help wean me off and turn me to Christ for full strength as well. My psychologist at the time was quick to point out that she had another patient they tried to "work with" who wound up back in the hospital. She labeled them a cult and quickly got my mom on board to sweep me out of this church and from "harms way." I'm grateful that God has given me this second chance, but I am not naive to the fact that many will oppose the idea of freedom. Drug use is something that has become accepted even within the "Christian" community, and that seriously disturbs me.

Since I had been on so many drugs for so many years, I was very used to the "get on/drop off" process. I was familiar with most of the dosages and the side affects I would be experiencing as well. So after my last round of drugs I cut the dosage and basically quit "cold turkey." I recommend this ONLY as a last resort, and this is also one of the reasons I am SO excited about the partnership with "The Road Back" program, and the other medical personnel we have access to at Setting Captives Free-The Cross Centered Mind course. Even though I knew what was coming with side effects, etc., it was still a very difficult time that God used for good to help grow my faith and dependence upon Him.

I actually put many of the biblical principles I was learning from the Setting Captives Free course, "The Way of Purity," into practice as I dropped off the meds. First I had to check my motives. Did I really want to get off meds so that I could live a life glorifying to God? Or was it just because I wanted to be "normal"?

Next, I had to really come to a point where I knew that the sacrifice Christ made for me was enough, and that I needed to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5) Even though I trusted that he could save me from other sins, etc. I still had in the back of my mind (from years of "therapy") that this was one area of my life that just couldn't be "fixed." I even had some counselors teach that God was using these drugs to "help me." But when I really placed my trust in Christ, I had to know that he could save me...even in this area, and it didn't matter what anyone else said.

I had to repent from this sin of unbelief, from the belief that he couldn't save me from this area. Then I had to turn and trust. I had developed a lot of bad habits, like running to cutting or suicidal thoughts to get me through. I knew I would have to replace these wrong thoughts.

Along with this I had to gain a new way of thinking...biblically. I dove into the Word, feasting on the Scripture daily. Hebrews 3:13 says, "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." My husband encouraged me as much as he could. During times of great distress (as I suffered from the sickness and despair of the med drop-off) he would lay his hands over me and pray. I gained accountability through Shon (Setting Captives Free "Way of Purity" executive director), as well as an older woman in our church who both helped point me to a way of Biblical thinking. I called or wrote many times when I felt like I was drowning, and they pointed me to Jesus who carried me through. I utilized the free biblical counseling provided by our church as well, which helped to identify some of my unbiblical thought patterns.

I clung to the promises I found within the Bible, and ultimately, His Word has set me free. I am to rely on 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I came to see myself how God saw me, as a child of God. I am comforted by Psalm 139:14 which says, "I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." When I am tempted I remember I Corinthians 10:13, "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." You don't think Jesus was "depressed" as he faced the Cross? He bled tears in such anguish! But alas, he survived without medication (see Matthew 27:34).

I'm not gonna lie to you, life is not always easy, but once you get into a habit of running to the Word of God, he can provide a comfort that can't be found anywhere else. As 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "...take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Whenever a thought came to mind that I know was not glorifying to God I would immediately run to a Scripture verse. I actually made "memory cards" by placing some relevant Scripture I knew I should memorize onto note cards and then I kept them in my purse so they'd be handy wherever I was. Eventually I had the verses memorized and I immediately turned my thoughts to the promises of the Scripture whenever I had an unbiblical thought. I repeated Psalm 46:1 MANY times throughout the day, "God is my refuge and my strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Another one of my favorite verse found in Philippians 4:8 which says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

I did my best to handle each day as it came. Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I got outside myself. Joshua 24:14 says, "Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness..." I got outside of myself by finding a ministry to help with, the first being simply a friend to someone in the church who needed a little extra help and love. God didn't intend for us to be "lonely," he intended for us to serve others. Matthew 20:28 says, "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..."

I knew and understood that God did not guarantee me a perfect life full of peace and harmony, despite what the health, wealth, and prosperity gospel that I had heard preached. I Peter 3:15 says, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." If you never have times where you're in the "valley," why would you need a reason to hope? When God helps you overcome that valley, however, then you can tell others and "give an account" of an amazing Redeemer who truly saves. And that...has been my experience...to God be the glory!

I no longer believe in being on medicine for life, like I had several "doctors" tell me I would need. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I absolutely believe this with all of my heart. His grace is sufficient in every area of my life, including the arena of my mind.

John 15:5 says, "apart from me, you can do nothing." I take this to heart, and I cherish my time in His Word. I want to arm myself for the daily battle that this life can be. Ephesians 6:10-13 says, "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." I do this by praying, reading and studying His Word, and doing my best to live "do all for the glory of God."

I have been off all meds for two years now. Some may have been tempted to say that I just have such a good life I wouldn't have cause for "depression" and therefore have no need for any meds any more. However, my husband has been out of a job for over a month now. We have been trying to sell our house for almost a year now (we live 80 miles round-trip from our church family and we long to be closer). I also have two little blessings (a four and a three year old), who love to "challenge" me on a daily basis. But his grace is still sufficient. I have a peace I wouldn't have had just two years ago. I believe the Holy Spirit has provided a "peace that transcends all understanding." He is my refuge, my strength, and my hope and I thank God everyday for saving my life and my family. To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen!

Love in Christ,
Amanda Adams