Article on Accountability By Setting Captives Free Executive Director, Shon Bruellman

Your wife would make the best accountability partner, Chris. At times I have had students say: 'I don't believe she can be tough enough to ask me the questions that need to be asked like my pastor or another man can, plus I don't want to hurt her by telling her I have fallen'

It's not about an accountability partner being 'tough' with us or asking the right questions to expose our sin. It's about a willingness to walk in the light and US taking the initiative to run to our wives asking for prayer or to expose temptation.

Keeping temptations from our wives or not turning to them for prayer and support is not walking in the light, but walking in the darkness and we are flat out deceiving them. Once we are married we have become 'one flesh' and when one hurts we ought to have the type of relationship that is open and honest that we can go to them for support and/or intimacy to help with the temptations. I absolutely cannot comprehend not telling my wife about a struggle I am having but would instead sneak off and call some other guy to confess to them that I saw something that caused me to lust or stumble in my heart.

Again, the clear message from this verse that is echoed all through Scripture is that concealment of sin does not lead to victory or blessing from the Lord.

Please hear my heart here; if you were supporting, lifting up and keeping the lines of communication open with your wife then they wouldn't feel threatened to hear that you are facing weakness in your flesh. God blessed me beyond measure when He gave my wife Julie to me as a helpmate and she would not feel threatened to hear that I was tempted by a woman I saw in a mall somewhere or that I saw something on the computer that caused my eyes to pause for longer than they should have. It hasn't always been that way but she has grown to trust me and realize that I am coming to her because I LOVE her and want to remain true and faithful to her even though Satan would love to have me be unfaithful in heart. I know my wife would thank me for coming to her with my struggles and try to encourage me or draw my attention to her and not some fake fantasy.

Would it disappoint her to hear that I went looking at porn and then masturbated in lust over them? Sure it would and that's why the accountability relationship MUST be with my wife because I know that confessing such actions to her would HURT HER and I don't want to do that. Does it 'hurt' a male AP to hear of a fall like it would my wife? Not even close....

It is EASIER to fall if my wife doesn't know the intimate details in my thought life and though it seems 'loving and kind' to not have the wife as the primary accountability partner lest we hurt them with falls or struggles I believe from what I see in the Word of God that it is the whispers of the enemy to get in there and cause division through SECRECY and breaking the honesty and trust relationship. If we are keeping lusts, tests and temptations away from our wives and heading off to vent those inner feelings to some male accountability partner instead then this concerns me greatly because this potentially causes division in a marriages. We have had a mentor recently fall because of this exact situation.

If this is the case in your marriage then please seek to change this situation in your accountability relationship as soon as possible, or write me back asking what practical things could be done to develop at atmosphere in the marriage so that a wife would want to know everything that is going on in her husband's life and mind.

It has to do with respect and becoming 'one flesh' with your wife. Begin turning to her and loving her instead of those fake women in your mind, my friend...

Chris' response:

Hi Shon -

This is some good stuff on the reasoning to have my wife as my main accountability partner. It actually answers some nagging questions I've had in the past. I have wondered why I would want to confess a sin to a brother, but not to my wife. That still "feels" like I'm sneaking around behind her back. So I realized that I ultimately had to confess my sin to her anyway. So, what's the point of having a guy accountability partner if I can't "fix" the relationship and clear the air with my wife in the first place? I think guys do help, but my primary accountability needs to be with my wife.

And by God's grace, we are now at a point where I feel I can take steps to follow what you are suggesting. I think we are at a point in our relationship where I can be honest with her about my struggles in the area of lust. God's grace is so good - a year or two ago I could not have imagined being in a place where I could be this open with her. So this is a great place to be - vulnerable, walking in honesty, dependent on God and on her. So I think we're in a good spot.

Thanks again for the good insight on the wife as accountability partner. I think this will be an important piece for us, and represents a big shift in my thinking. Thanks!

Blessings -

Chris

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