Rebuking with Gentleness

Dear Mentors,

Last week we reviewed 2 Timothy 3:14-17, paying particular attention to Paul's admonition to Timothy regarding "teaching." Here is the passage again, as this week we want to notice the next purpose for God's Word:

The first stated purpose of God's Word is "teaching" as noted in verse 16. The second stated purpose is "rebuking."

Have you ever heard that "you can catch more flies with honey?" The intent of the statement is to say that we can win people over to our viewpoint by being sweet and kind, more than we can through anger, bluntness, or harshness. And yet, this concept can be misleading when it comes to using God's Word as God designed it to be used in the life of His people. Our method of working with people is not only to be in the manner that might be viewed as "sweet, kind, loving, gentle, and gracious, etc.;" but God's Word is also "useful for...rebuking." In other words, we are to show biblical evidence of the sin and say, essentially, "Stop doing that."

As I see it, rebuking is more of an art than a science, and is not always easy to do. I have a tendency to rebuke harshly, so that the rebuke might be deemed offensive instead of corrective. I have noted this in myself (just fell to it again this week, for which I had to apologize, and was graciously forgiven), and have prayed earnestly for God to temper me in this area. On the other hand, I have noticed that there are those who have a tendency to avoid rebuking entirely, and instead use what they term the "love" approach (or the "catching flies with honey" idea). They believe that if they just love a person, that person will eventually see the error of their ways and repent. The truth is that both of these approaches need correction. A truly biblical reproof requires that we speak the Truth of Scripture in love. (Eph. 4:15)

So, I have two challenges for us this week. The first is for people, like me, who struggle with the tendency to rebuke without a measure of grace. This manner of working with people may be compared to a surgeon cutting on a patient without using anesthesia. We may come across as harsh, unyielding, uncaring, prideful, and disinterested. It might seem to others that we care more for truth than for people, and this attitude must be taken to the Lord. We must ask Him to show us how we appear to others when we get in the "rebuke" mode. Once we see how ugly our attitude may appear to others, we will ask God to change us, remake us in His image, and show us how to rebuke in love and with gentleness.

Jesus rebuked the Ephesians in Revelation 2:1-6 in a very kind, yet straightforward manner. He first encouraged them, told them what they were doing right, and praised them for some specific good things (verses 1-3). Then He said, "yet this I have against you" and went on to describe how they had lost their first love, fallen from a great height, and were in need of repentance (verses 4-5). Finally, He concluded with more encouragement about their specific areas of good (verse 6).

Jesus rebuked in love. He spoke straightforwardly, yet He spoke the truth in love. He did not pull punches, yet He cushioned each blow. He loved and cared for the Ephesians, and so He gave them a much-needed rebuke, surrounded by much encouragement. This is the way to rebuke.

The second challenge is for those who seek to avoid confrontation, and who believe strongly that "love, gentleness and kindness" are the only means we have to win others to Christ, or to help people out of sin traps. People with this mindset may become offended when they see a brother or sister rebuking others, believing that the "honey" of the Word is all that is needed to attract the "flies." People who believe this way are in need of seeing that "the Word is useful for rebuking," and need to learn how to rebuke in a manner that is Christ-like. We cannot throw out the Truth just because it might hurt.

Let me give a few examples to clarify:

Let's say a man comes to The Way of Purity course here at Setting Captives Free. He is involved in pornography, and has been for several years. He enrolls, and you receive him as your student. The first thing you notice is that, in his introduction, he minimizes his involvement in pornography, saying how he often goes several weeks or months without viewing it. Secondly he states what position of influence he has in the church, what title he has, and that he is on staff, etc. So, right away, we note that he is minimizing his sin and maximizing himself - two characteristics of those in real bondage. Next, he begins criticizing the course material, making statements such as, "The passive participle ‘a' used in Ephesians 2:3 is really an active injunction, and should not be confused with the admonition connected to it in verse 4," and so on. So we note that, not only does he downplay sin and exalt himself, but also that he is apparently here to teach, and not to learn. And, of course, he is clearly not open to your input, believing himself to be above your words of instruction.

The first type of person described above (the "rebuke-without-gentleness" person) would initially respond like this (I know, I've done this a time or two, to my shame):

"Larry, you are quite clearly in need of a spiritual wake-up call. You evidence so much pride that it makes me wonder if you have to drive with the window down so that your head will fit in the car. If you know so much, why are you stuck in impurity? If you have such wonderful influence at your church, what do they say about your involvement in pornography every few weeks or months? What's that? You haven't told them, you say? Sheesh, how do you not bruise yourself as you stumble around in the darkness like that?"

The second type of person described above (the "catch more flies with honey" person) might initially respond like this:

"Larry, so good to get your lesson today, how wonderful to see your knowledge of the Scriptures. I'm so thrilled to know you enjoy the same love of Jesus Christ, and so happy in the Lord to see your devotion to Him. Isn't He just wonderful, Larry? Isn't being a new creation so wonderful? Well, I just want to say I got your lesson and to encourage you for your responses. I really look forward to seeing your lesson tomorrow. May God richly bless you!"

Both of the above miss the boat and fall short of the mark, don't they. Now I'm not going to pretend to be able to write the "correct" response. My only purpose is for us to examine ourselves, and see if the way we work and minister to others is honoring to the Lord, and resembles Jesus Christ's rebuke of the Ephesians in Revelation 2.

Next, let's say a spouse comes to the United Front course here at Setting Captives Free because her husband is involved in gambling and betting and he has squandered away the family's savings. She comes to the course angrier than a wet hen and slamming her husband left and right with every breath.

The first type of person might respond like this:

"Listen, Darla, your anger is sinful, your attitude is haughty, your submission is absent, and you don't seem to have a clue about how to live with a spouse who is sinning. Further, you mentioned that you were overweight, yet you can't understand your husband's problem with sin? What's up with that?"

The second type of person might respond like this:

"Oh Darla, how I do feel your pain, my dear sister; you have such a wonderful way with words and such a clear manner of communicating. I'm here for you any time. I will pray for you; I just really care about you. I hope to hear of some change in your husband's life, and I pray God's riches blessings on you."

The first person needs to learn to soften the blow, to use some anesthesia as she cuts, and to use some grace and gentleness in her approach. She needs to obey the verse which says, "Let your gentleness be evident to all." (Philippians 4:5) The second person needs to learn to rebuke in love, to correct in kindness, and to speak the truth of Scripture forthrightly. She needs to agree that "better is open rebuke than hidden love" (Proverbs 27:5).

Friends, Paul told Timothy that one of the uses of God's Word was to "rebuke." We dare not avoid using the Word in this manner when it is needed (when people are sinning and straying from God). "God rebukes the arrogant, who are cursed, and who stray from Your commands" (Psalm 119: 21). Yet our rebuke must be gracious in nature, must show that we care for the person, and our gentleness should be evident to all (especially to those we rebuke.)

Finally, let us not forget that we, ourselves, should also continue to be rebuked by the Word. Never do we reach sinless perfection in this life, and, therefore, the Word will continually rebuke us in some way. Do we receive it? Do we thank those who rebuke us (even if they fail to soften the blow as they should)?

I see in the gospel of Jesus Christ both good news and rebuke:

Jesus Christ gave Himself for our sins, to rescue us from evil. This is good news. This is great news! It evidences His amazing love for us. But it is also rebuke. Our sin is an offense to God which offense could only be removed through the death of His Son. Again we see how God rebukes; His rebuke is surrounded in love. Ours should be, also.

grace and truth,
Mike Cleveland
team member www.settingcaptivesfree.com

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