Suggestions On Forgiveness

Here are a few practical thoughts about the subject of forgiveness, written to answer some questions that have arisen.

Question - What are the specifics for forgiving others?

Answer -

First, it is important to determine whether someone has actually sinned against us or merely offended us. If it is not a sin, then we are to overlook the offense. (Proverbs 19:11; 1 Peter 4:8).

If it is a sin, then we are to forgive them, regardless of whether they have acknowledged their sin to us. This forgiveness takes place in our hearts, before God, whether the other party knows about it or not. This type of forgiveness is "vertical forgiveness", and is the same kind of forgiveness Jesus exercised on the cross when, in His prayer to God, He prayed for God to forgive those who were crucifying Him. "Horizontal forgiveness", or that type of forgiveness that is extended to others, is only offered when it is requested, or sin is acknowledged by the other party (Matthew 18:15-17).

If the party actually sins against us, and then confesses their sin, we are to abide by the three principles taught in this lesson; i.e., we are not to bring up their sin to them again, we are not to speak of their sin to others, and we are not to dwell on the sin ourselves. These are the specifics for forgiving them.

Also, on a practical note, we can conclude from the Scriptures that the one extending the forgiveness is to be the one who initiates a further relationship with the one who is repentant. We can glean this from the story of the prodigal son, and from other places in the Scripture.

Question - Should those who sin against us be confronted with their offense?

Answer -

In most cases, yes - especially if the person is a believer. Matt. 18:15-17 gives us the procedure for dealing with sins against us. If the person is an elder or pastor, then 1 Tim. 5:19-20 would apply instead. It is important to pray about this and ask for God's help so that we will speak the truth with love and grace to them (Eph. 4:15 and Col. 4:6).

In addition, it is important to make sure that we, ourselves, do not have unconfessed sin against the other party before we confront them, for we do not want to confront them only to be reminded of and confronted with our own sins, and thereby be shown to be a hypocrite. We should make sure that we do not have a "log" in our own eye before we attempt to remove the speck from another—Matthew 7:3-5 (this passage teaches us to view our sins against others as larger than their sins against us).

We do not want to be those people who are always confronting others about their sin, as it is possible that we have as much sin as they do, or more. So this issue needs some caution, much wisdom, and the ability to be able to discern between someone's actual sins against us (which violate a direct Scripture), and their weaknesses, failings, or shortcomings. Also, it is very important to understand that it is the Holy Spirit that convicts people of sin, not us (John 16:8).

So if we are sure that the other party truly did sin against us, rather than merely show us a weakness or shortcoming of theirs, and we are sure that, to the best of our knowledge, we have no outstanding sin against them, and we have forgiven them in our hearts before the Lord, then we are to approach them and confront them with their sin.

Question - Should we require of others that they admit their offense and ask for forgiveness?

Answer -

We cannot require that others admit their sin or offense, but may certainly make the request.

If others sin against us, we are indeed supposed to confront them, according to Matthew 18:15. The first confrontation is to be private, just between us and them. It is often the case where the other party did not know they were sinning, and through loving confrontation they are made aware of their sin and will ask our forgiveness. However, if they don't believe they have sinned, or if they deny the offense, then we are to bring other people, one or two, into the situation and ask for their help to resolve the issue. As we do this, the others may help us realize that there may have been a misunderstanding, and that we are at fault for it as much as the other party. However, if the other parties agree with us that there is sin, and if there is no resolution (where the guilty party confesses and makes restitution if possible) with the others that came to help, then we are to take the issue to the entire church. These steps are laid out in Matthew 18:15-17.

Question - In the parable in this lesson, the person is asking, begging for mercy. It seems that in such a case it is MUCH easier to forgive them than when the one who offends you doesn't admit to doing anything wrong.

Answer -

God's grace is sufficient in those cases where the person who has wronged us will not admit to it. However, the relationship will suffer, and may not be restored until/unless the person admits his or her wrongdoing. One thing that will often help is to start by admitting our own part in the situation - even if it is only 1% of the problem.

Question - And what about with teaching our children, who often sin against us and their siblings many times a day... should we teach them to be constantly confessing, admitting these sins?

Answer -

Yes, we sure should utilize any teaching opportunities we may have with our children. This is a great way for them to learn to forgive and receive forgiveness. The main way we teach is through example. If I sin against my son or daughter in some way, I need to humble myself and ask their forgiveness. This sets the example, and teaches through modeling. The confessions should sound something like "I'm sorry for (name the specific sin), will you please forgive me?"

This type of situation happened to me just the other day. I had promised my seven-year-old son, Joshua, that I would read his new Bible with him during the day. But I got busy and neglected placing a priority on reading with him until later that evening. When he confronted me with standard kid-language, "you said..." I recalled my promise to him and felt bad that I had broken it. I said to him, "Joshua, I'm so sorry I didn't read with you earlier today as I said I would, will you please forgive me?" He was glad to, and we went on with our reading. If we will lead the way in this area, then when our children sin, we can instruct them on the need to confess and ask forgiveness just as we have done with them when we sin.

Children detest hypocritical attitudes in their parents, and these attitudes and actions can foster bitterness in the children. Children can see when the parents are requiring the children to do something that they (the parents) are unwilling to do. Bitterness is alleviated when the children see the parents modeling and teaching by example, and then by words.

Question - I've read a lot of stuff on forgiveness, but these things are still unclear to me.

Answer -

For additional information, we recommend a book entitled "The Peacemaker" by Ken Sande, which should be helpful to you in dealing with difficult issues. To order The Peacemaker, click here.

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