A United Front
Letters from Spouses
Forgiveness, by Pastor Kyle White
Dear Jill,
I am Jodi White's husband, pastor of a church in Elmendorf, TX. Jodi let me read your letter to her in which you are crying out for help. You are having difficulty forgiving your husband and putting this matter which he has confessed to you behind you. Believe me when I say that I think I know what you are going through, at least to some degree.
I must begin by saying that it is extremely important that you know from what kind of basis you are working as you seek to do the impossible. God is expecting of you that which you are too weak to do. Your flesh, full of pride, self-centeredness, manifested in the self-pity with which you are struggling, is too strong to over come by yourself. The emotions that you have expressed in your letter are natural - the flesh is weak and will run with those emotions, to the destruction of yourself, your husband, your marriage and the glory of God.
It is the last thing in that last statement that is most significant here. I said it is extremely important for you to examine the basis from which you are laboring to overcome this horrible situation. Please understand that nothing I say is in anyway an attempt to exonerate your husband - he is dead wrong! In fact, under God's law, he deserves to die! But the issue here is not him, but you. What about you? Are you free from sin? Have you come short of the glory of God? Have you ever put anyone or anything ahead of God? As a breaker of God's law you too deserve to die! Adam broke one law and was cast out of the garden of Eden, sentenced to death, and everyone born into this world carries in his nature the same sentence. How many times have you broken God's law?
The only way that you are exempted from this deserved sentence of death is if you are granted forgiveness from God! But how can God forgive you? Because He is just, He must punish sin and there is no sin apart from the sinner, therefore, He must punish you, the sinner. Forgiveness is only possible if your sin is punished - someone must take your place! Well, here we see the glory of the cross of Jesus Christ. The very Son of God gave Himself as a sacrifice and received the punishment of death upon Himself in order to satisfy the just wrath of God against sinners. God is able to remain just and holy and at the same time receive you as a pardoned sinner - not because of any good in you, but because of the work of His perfect Son.
Why am I saying all of this? Because the very basis for our relationship of peace with God is the very same basis for our relationship of peace with those who sin against us. Just as God for Christ's sake has forgiven me, I for Christ's sake, because of what He has done for me, must forgive those who sin against me. If I truly believe that my forgiveness from God is undeserved and that His love is set upon me because of His good pleasure, then I am able to love and forgive those who may not seem to deserve it from me. Just as God does not make me jump through all kinds of hoops in order to gain forgiveness, so I must not make others conform to some standard that I establish in order to get forgiveness from me.
Who am I to demand anything of the one who comes to me seeking my forgiveness? Who am I to withhold that? And if I grant forgiveness to others like God has to me, then I will not hold the matter against the person which I have forgiven.
Now this is easy to talk about when it involves petty matters of everyday conflict. Not so hard to forgive someone else for speaking a harsh word at you or for selfishly cutting you off in a grocery store line. But what about when it hits close to home? This is what you are being faced with. The theory of forgiveness is being tested in the severest way for you. Your husband has violated your trust, has sinned against God, you and your children (if there are any), and has created an atmosphere that would only stir up anger and hatred in the heart of one who doesn't know anything about the forgiveness of God in his own life. But if you really understand and dwell upon the great forgiveness that God has granted you (if He has granted it to you) in Jesus Christ, then you will be able to forgive even the greatest sin against you.
To not forgive your husband is to live with a spirit of "I deserve better than this." But do you? I know that he should have never cheated on you. I know that he should have kept his vows and you should expect that of one another. But he didn't. You must look beyond what you may think you deserve and see that God's hand is orchestrating your life to accomplish His purpose in you and those around you. You said in your letter, "I am learning to trust God complete, that is my Goal but how do I reach these goals???" Trusting God is extremely important in times like this. It requires, though, that you believe that He is all wise and knows what is best for you and those around you. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to you. But remember who you are - limited in your vision and understanding. You don't know what tomorrow will bring. You must deal with the events in your life with the light that you have and with an ever increasing confidence that God knows what He is doing.
In all of this you are learning, to some degree, what God has done in forgiving you. Has your husband sinned more against you than you have against God? Has God forgiven you? God is infinitely holy and does not compare to you, and yet you have sinned against Him. You are a peer with your husband, really no better than him in many ways, and yet you can't forgive him. That's rather incredible if you stop and think about it. Do you believe it is possible for you to sin against your husband as he has sinned against you?
My wife didn't think she could sin in that way against me at one time either - but she did! Understanding your own frailty and the possibility that exists in your own heart for sin helps to generate a heart of forgiveness for others. This is particularly true as you consider how great a forgiveness God has granted to you.
God enabled me to forgive my wife. I received her back right away, but did go through some struggles. There were for a time, and still from time to time are, thoughts that plague me. Why did she do it? What was wrong with me? I wonder if she liked them as much as me? Most of the thoughts that I have had that create problems flow from a focus on myself. When my focus is upon Christ and His beauty and worth, then my mind is not troubled by such thoughts.
Yes, there is also the mistrust factor. It took a little while for my wife to build back up the trust that I once had in her. But really, because she was genuinely changed, it only took several months perhaps for the trust factor to be as strong and stronger than ever. I do have thoughts of doubt that flash across my mind now that would never exist if she had not done the things she did. This is just simply the consequence of her sin that affects me.
But, I must tell you that my marriage is better now than ever before. God has worked graciously in my wife and me. She engaged in the sinful acts, but I had enough sin of my own within me that God was working to rid me of. I am thankful that God has brought us through this. He has taught me more in the last year concerning who I am and my complete need of Jesus Christ than I have learned in all my life before.
If you are truly His child, He is teaching you as well. Lay down the resistance. Submit to God's order in your life. Praise Him for bringing about a change in your husband and pour yourself into pursuing Christ and being satisfied with Him, and then seek to be satisfied with the husband that God has given to you.
Remember, under the law your husband would have been put to death. Praise God for mercy! See in your husband a living demonstration of God's grace as he continues to be changed from within and conformed in his entire life more and more to the image of Christ.
Please ask questions of anything that I have said. There is probably more that needs to be said and perhaps something that has been said that confuses you. Please write. Jodi is getting a copy of this. You can send a copy of any of your correspondence to me to her as well.
Desiring to help you know and practice the forgiveness of God in Christ,
Kyle White-Setting Captives Free Mentor
Community Baptist Church
Elmendorf, TX (San Antonio area)
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